looks good, tastes bad.

I stumbled across this mad food jewelry over here.



i mean, have you ever?



it all looks so real.



Cabbages? To wear in your ears? Really? Strange. But yet still, oddly beautiful.

Yummy, pizza. Although hold the olives for me, please. Why would you?

In fact there are a lot of 'why would yous' here.

why would you:

a) make them?

b) wear them?

c) buy them?

there's also a 'how would you':

how would you:

a) stop yourself popping them into your mouth just to see if they taste as good as they look?

Don't get me wrong, I do see the artistic craft and skill in them. Just not really the reason.

Is 'just because we can' a good enough reason? I guess so.

They do look good enough to eat though, I must admit.

question is, do they look good enough to wear?

I think if I wore any of these I would walk around all day somehow subliminally hungry, and desperately craving chocolate covered strawberry's, or a ham and cheese croissant, and not knowing why.

Ah, the ice cream is my favourite. And the only one so far that I would actually wear. I could imagine wearing that on a super hot summer's day. It would be cool, cos it would look like the ice cream was about to melt down my chest. Pretty awesome.

I just don't know that one's ears are a place for lunch.

Or for that matter, sushi.

And a felafel? That grosses me out a little. I'd get that imaginary smell of garlic wafting up my nose all day.

Although I think those would make cute cuff links.

I wonder what they're made of? They're incredibly life-like. Or sponge-cake like.

Hmmmmm sponge cake. Is anyone else hungry yet? Somehow I suddenly want pizza for breakfast.






see, once you've finished wearing them, you can dunk them in your tea.

The ever fashionable macaroon. I always wondered if it was food or fashion?

Love that apple, actually. Too cool. It's the i-necklace.

Food for thought. And necks. And earlobes.

and it rained...

and rained and rained and rained.

sleep talking man

Sleep talkin' man is one of my very favourite mad blogs where I pop in to visit regularly.

Adam lives in America with his lovely wife, Karen. Everything about them is normal and average in every way. Except for this one thing.

He talks in his sleep.
But like hectically.

His wife, after years of being entertained by her husband as he slept, finally decided to start a blog. She bought a voice activated tape recorder that records everything he says at night while they sleep, and she posts his mad ramblings on a weekly and sometimes daily basis.

Click through the links for each of the recordings scattered in the post below if you want to hear a few of his funny sleep talking ramblings.

"Ooh, that's it! Brown ping pong balls. Loads of them! I think I'm on to a winner there."

here's another one:

"You know, I really think you should audition for Britain's Got Talent... at being a cunt. You're a shoo-in for a winner."

On their blog they have a very interesting Frequently Asked Questions section. I've copied and pasted a few of the questions, because they were things i was curious about, so I thought you might be curious about them too:


Q:
How do you get any sleep?

A: (answered by Karen, who runs the blog and posts her husbands sleep talking.)
It's not as bad as it seems. All of Adam's talking happens in one, or occasionally two, bursts each night. Let's say six quotes pop up on the blog one morning. Those probably all occurred in a five or six minute window.

Here's another sleep talking session from the site, click through to take a listen:

"You take one of those knitting needles and put 'em in my neck once more, I'm gonna see to it that every time you blink, you're gonna be looking at your own rectum. Got it?"

Dude's violent in his sleep hey. Bet Karen sleeps next to him with one eye/ear open.

And check out the link below, he doesn't always talk, sometimes he sings too. I love the Sleep Talkin' Man, what a legend.

"(singing) I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be in charge. I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be-... You can fuck off to the back and sulk there. (singing again) I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be in charge.... Captain Bollocks! I shall be Captain Bollocks. On the good ship Scrotum. It's a small boat, but it'll pack a punch. We'll be able seamen in our boat, Scrotum."

Q:
How did Sleep Talkin' Man come to be?

A:
Since February 2009, I just kept a running log of everything Adam said for myself and the benefit of our friends. He got pretty used to being the source of hours of laughter among pretty much everyone who knows us. I put the blog up in October 2009, more for my own amusement than anything.

Here's another gem from Sleep Talkin' Man.

"Talk once more, and I will sue you for ear abuse. Shame on you. Shame! Auraphile."


Q:
Is Adam this funny in real life?

A:
Well, Adam is a pretty witty guy, but he is definitely not as hilarious as Sleep Talkin' Man. In fact, he's nothing like STM! Adam is the kindest, most sensitive, respectful, delightful, humble person. And SleepTalkinMan is, well, sort of an ass, isn't he? And totally full of himself! And a potty mouth! I would NOT want to get on his bad side.

He even does and Elvis impersonation in his sleep, check the link below - what a freaking legend.
"Oh! I've got an idea. Oh, hold the phone. This one stinks of poo. You can own that one. (then in Elvis voice) Thank you very much."

Q:
Has Adam considered seeing a doctor about this?

A:
The weird thing is, we've come to think this is really healthy for him. I've always been amazed at how well Adam handles some extremely challenging circumstances that we've come up against in the past couple of years (much better than I do). Now I think it is because he works out all of his anxiety and frustration in his dreams. It's like nightly catharsis.

"There's this guitar riff stuck in my head. Doo doo doo doo-doo, doo doo doo doo-doo. Whoever wrote it.... is a cunt, because it's stuck in my head. Bastard. I'll stick something in his head."

Q:
Does Adam remember his dreams?

A:
Not a one! You can imagine then, how utterly bizarre is it for him when we listen to the recordings together in the morning. He hears himself saying wacky things that he has no recollection of whatsoever.

INTERESTING FACTS:

According to Karen - Sleep talking occurs during the lighter phase of sleep, and it's just sort of the subconscious firing off. sleep specialists confirm that the way Adam talks in his sleep is very possible and, except for how funny he manages to be, quite common.

They sell t-shirts, mugs and other paraphenalia on the the sleep talkin' man website. I think I got to get me a sleep talkin' man of my very own. Hours of fun for the whole family. Wonder if they sell those?

wine, wine, wine.

La Capra is a new brand (and brand new) wine brought to the world by those smarty pantses at The Fairview Estate.



(Apparently La Capra means goat - see, every day is a school day. Although I have it on good authority that the wine is made of crushed grapes, and not of crushed goats as the name suggests.)

So last week I was stumbling around Wembley Square in Cape Town, trying to decide what to have for lunch (as one does) when I came across this oddly fabulous setting.

La Capra have created this crazy, mad wine-tasting set up. It's very very cool. You climb inside that caravan (which is way bigger on the inside than it is on the outside *weird*.) It's all decked up inside and you can sit in your caravan and sip on a glass of wine. It's very bohemianly (is that a word? If not it should be) civilised.

There were even these dudes making music, between chess matches.

It was like I'd suddenly wandered into a Stanley Kubrick movie in the middle of my Wednesday.

The wine is inspired by the tale of a dude named Atilla Balebos, (from the greek for 'Babelas' i assume) which takes us back to a time of gypsy's and outdoor village festival type stuff, farm culture and the kind of carnival lifestyle vibe.

Now listen up. The wine is delicious, and it's a bit of a cool thing to experience. So if you're around Wembley Square tomorrow (Tuesday 29th June) see if you can't pop in for a toot. It will make your day. (As booze so often does!)

Crazy reaches an all new level

Today's post ties up to two other recent posts.

This post about religious sex toys, and this post about LOLcats.

But what could those two posts possibly have in common? I hear you ask.

Well, believe it or not, a couple of years ago a bunch of crazy cats began a project to translate The Bible into 'LOLspeak', the slang used on the LOLcats website.

I know it sounds crazy. Well it is.

I don't know why they did it. I've been thinking about it for two whole days now, and I can't come up with one single plausible reason a person would do such a thing. But they did it.

Look, see, it's here on Wikipedia, if you don't believe me.

It's called The LOLCat Bible Translation Project. It was started in July 2007 by a crazy dude named Martin Grondin. The project relies on people around the web adapting various bible passages and adding them to the ever-growing wiki-based project.

In the process of this translation, all the main characters from The Bible have been changed into cats.

Jesus Christ is 'Happy Cat'.
G-d is 'Ceiling Cat'
and Satan is 'Basement Cat'.

I know, they're off their fucking rockers, right?

Further translations have also turned the 'gifts' and 'blessings' of G-d into 'Cheezburgerz'.

I kid you not.

And general people have become 'kittehs.'

And since the translation is finally complete, The LOLCat Bible is at last available in book form:

S'true story. Serius. I couldn't make this shit up, even if I was on a truckload of crack.

Here are the first few verses of Genesis, copied and pasted from the LOLcat Bible Translation Project:

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.

4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.

5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!

Still don't believe me you cynic, go here to amazon and buy yourself a copy.

I did a small amount of research (so it may not be entirely accurate) but the original Bible has already been translated into approximately 2 287 languages around the world. Hey, what harm can there be in adding one further language? Even if it is a weird cat language based on bad smsing techniques, made up by a bunch of guys who smoke too much pot.

5 things I love about fiction

5 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT FICTION:

1. Three minutes, or even just a split second can take pages to describe. Or a day can be done in a line.

2. There's material in every breath.

3. You get to take things that have happened to you and try them out with alternative endings. Real fact of life is really just a suggestion.

4. Research. It's a great excuse to do all sorts of crazy shit you would otherwise never get away with. Forget to change your top for four days while you were writing? Research for a character. Slept with a 24-year-old by accident? Research for a character. Ate KFC? Research for a character.

5. Someone bothering you? Write them in and give them either greasy hair, strange sexual tendencies, an odd smell, or a violently bizarre and gruesome (yet somehow deeply satisfying) death.

I'm on the hunt for more reasons to love fiction. Please feel free to add your own.

This post originally appeared here on BookSA.

feel it, it is here.

I love a pay off line.

None more so than FIFA's pay off line for the world cup. (oh shit, can I say all those words together without being arrested?)

Feel it, it is here.

Genius. I love it.

Even more so I love all the off-shoots.

Like a caller in to Radio Xhosa a few weeks ago who misheard it, and thought the pay off was:

'Phillip, he is here.'

Bless. I love you guy. You made my week.

and then the hysterical offshoot tweet during the SA vs France game - 'Phillipe, he was here'. (Apologies i don't remember who first tweeted this, so I can't credit you. But you are tres clever.)

And then this, which appeared outside the entrance to The Hussar Grill, a steak house in Camps Bay.


(many many thanks and whiskeys to Kathi who took the snap.)

genius squared.

Next week i'm going to visit The Hussar Grill with a horde of friends.
I plan to 'Fill up, right there'.

child vs handbag.

Three Moms and a Single is a facebook page run by, well, by three moms and a single. These ladies, one of whom is a regular reader and commenter here at A Million Miles from Normal, write about all sorts of interesting issues that might be relevant to a mom, or sometimes to a single. It's a good site full of interesting info, so check it out if it sounds like it floats your boat and you get a sec.

Anyway the reason I mention them is that one of their current articles is based on a study released recently by the USDA, that middle-income parents spend a total of $222,360 to raise one child through the age of 17.

That folks, is a grand total of R1.67164089 million. Yup almost two million South African Ronds.

So, since I'm usually pretty single, and don't think I ever want children of my own (would be potentially cruel to inflict these dodgy genes on another generation), I thought I'd do a little study of what I could buy for the R1.67164089 million I won't be spending on a 0-17 year old.

Now please don't get me wrong, I love children. I have twelve nieces and nephews who I'm crazy about and all my friends have some of the most gorgeous kids in the world. So I'm not a baby hater, I just don't choose to go down that road myself. So, now that we've got that sorted, let's take a look.

People, if this study is anything to go by, I could have a seventeen year old or I could have one of these:




(thanks gav)

Or

Courtesy of Pam Golding, I could have this charming Victorian cottage in Claremont, Cape Town (Three bedrooms, two bathrooms):




Or 52 of these:


(At around R30k a pop.)

Or a good couple of weeks here:













Or 5 572 grams of cocaine:



Or

Bail for possession of 5572 grams of cocaine!

Kids, some say they're priceless. Others would, more often than not, rather trade theirs in for the Audi R8.

man down

we lost a follower.


do you think it was the tampon art or the religious dildos that did it? or maybe those ever offensive LOLcats?


whoever you are who used to follow and has now left, i'm sorry if i offended you.


you will be missed.

unacceptable art

you can't see me right now, but i'm shaking my head.

I consider myself a serious writer. Okay what i write isn't very serious, very often, but you know what I mean.

Anyway so I ummed and ahhed about blogging about this, and then I thought, oh what the fuck. If i can blog about a devil shaped dildo, then why not this too.

If there's one thing i've learnt in the year i've been blogging (Yay, it's been a year, happy birthday blog, I'll buy you something pretty some time soon, promise.) it's that there's a never ending supply of smut online, and also that lots of people have way way way way way too much time on their hands.

here's an example of what some of those people have been busy making with their too much time:





Yes *she hangs her head in shame* it's 'Tampon Art'. And i found it online.




What is wrong with these people? Do they not have paper to draw on?

Did their mother's never love them?

Did they get dropped on the head as babies?





Or do they just have way too much time and a bag full of pipe cleaners?


Am I wrong, or is that Jesus Christ on a motorbike made out of a tampon? And check the sandals. Someone's really gone to a lot of trouble here.





judging by the hand and the handiwork i'd say these were both made by the same woman.

WTF?

he he he he, I couldn't help laughing at that one. At least it's vaguely conceptual. Vaguely.

and that's not bad. I mean if you're going to make characters out of tampons, I suppose it's kind of funny to make the grim reaper.

I'm sorry, I do apologise. Clearly a year in I've hit an all time low.

Somebody asked me recently if there was anything I wouldn't blog about.

after this, i guess not.

stupid cats

According to a massive study, done right here in my study with a sample group of one I've calculated all my accumulated data and come to the conclusion that this is the basic contents of the Internet:

If any massive corporations want to pay me zillions for my research data please just shout.

Anyway so you can hardly turn a corner online without seeing a cheerleader doing something that might be considered illegal in some states, or a crazy cat with a funny caption.

Those crazy cats are called LOLcats. And according to Mr and Mrs Wikipedia: 'it's an image combining a photograph of a cat, with a humorous and idiosyncratic caption. Often grammatically incorrect in dialect which is known as "LOLspeak" or "kitty pidgin".

That's one of my favourite things about LOLcats, i love that they've been given their own language. Cat's don't give a fuck about anyone, they generally do as they please, so makes sense that they would speak in their own special way.

I Can Has Cheezburger is where you'll find most of the classic LOLcats living online. The site was created in 2007 by Eric Nakagawa, a blogger from Hawaii.

Apparently his site gets over 1,500,000 hits a day. See, people love a crazy cat!

This is the very first LOLcat he ever posted, on January 11, 2007:

And the rest is Internet history.

Speaking of history. This is a postcard from 1905, by photographer Harry Whittier Frees:

(LOLspeak translation: Wot's delaying mah dinnah?)

So maybe he was the first to make a LOLcat?

here ar sum mor, juzt fore a laff:

And below, unhappy LOLcat, who's not LOLing now?

he he, maybe not a LOLcat, but certainly a seriously pissed off cat.

Happy Monday LOLcats.