Why dogs bite people.

As a general rule I'm quite strict with myself and I try very hard not to post things here that might have already landed in your inbox at some point.

You know the emails I mean, they do the rounds all the time, and there's always one friend who sends them out about a year later.

So I try not to post those, because my aim is to only put stuff here for you that is so fucked up or out of whack, that you hopefully haven't seen it anywhere else yet.

At least I try, but today's a Friday and I'm marginally hung over (thanks to a kick-ass agency party last night. whoop whoop whoop!) and these always make me laugh my face off. So tag they're it.

My awesome friend Ange sent them to me in an email entitled: 'Why dogs bite people'.




Those are high tops. Does that make him a boxer?




That's just so cruel. And probably why those little dogs walk around shaking all over like they do. It's because they've seen too much.



So when they say: 'it's a dog's life', does that mean you lie around all day and when you're soundly asleep people fuck with you?



It's bad enough these two little guys are always blamed when he farts, now they have to suffer this indignity too.

The shame! And we wonder why dogs around the world suddenly lose it, out of nowhere, and bite someone's face off .

Humans are great, we have no shame. And it's the dogs who are paying for it.

I think ultimately it's those monkey ears that do it for me. I think I need a pair. That's serious commitment to dressing up your dog. It's so funny, they can hear me laughing in Beijing.

And we wonder why they shit in the middle of our lounges.

As soon as the humans turn around, that dog in the background is so taking a photo of this with his i-phone and tweeting it. @FoilBitch is never ever going to live this one down.

Phuza Thursday

Yeeehaaa, it's Phuza Thursday. We made it, people.

Body check. Everyone still alive?
Any broken bones, sore fingers, hurt feelings? Well don't worry if you find yourself not in one piece, you can drink yourself beautiful tonight, you don't need an excuse, because it's Phuza Thursday.

Check, i found these cool cups here.

There are even ones for the kiddles for when they need a stiff brandy and coke after a tough day at creche:



They make me want to drink large cups of Johnnie Walker. Okay, okay, who am i kidding, i wanted to drink large cups of Johnnie Walker before I saw them, but still, any excuse, right?

Happy Phuza, party people.

nerdy, nerd, nerd, nerd.

I am a big nerd. Possibly one of the biggest you ever met/read/stumbled upon by accident while surfing for porn.

Strange nerdy things turn me on.

Things like glitter pens, and stationary and pencil cases that look like this:

Nerd much? But seriously, how awesome?

Happy first of Spring. xxx

M.I.L.F Dating

Did you know that in South Africa we have our very own MILF Dating Website?

No I did not know that.

Every day really is a school day.

For those of you who've spent the last ten years living under a large boulder whilst wearing ear phones (maybe listening to Celine Dion or Billy Ray Cirus) and with your eyes covered, MILF is an acronym for 'Mothers I'd Like to Fuck'. No really, serius, it's true, I'm not making this up, it's a real thing. Look there's even an entry for it in Encyclopaedia Wikipedia, over here. Basically they say that:

'It's a common colloquial term generally regarded as vulgar when spelled out. It denotes a sexually attractive mother, generally between 30 and 50 years of age, though possibly any age.'

To be clear, I myself am not a MILF, as I am not a mother. So am no expert on the subject, and I'm certainly not here to judge, so I shall just attempt to report it as I see it.

Here's the title page from the site itself:

I see that their pay off line up there is 'Experienced women looking for love!'

Look, the way I see it, if you really are an experienced woman, surely you should know by now that if you're looking for love at http://www.milfdating.com/, you might just be looking in the wrong place.

Loving, yes. Love, I don't think so.

Although Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher may agree to disagree.

American Gothic craziness

Today's post is a little bit (a lot bit) crazy. Somewhat freakish. And a tad mad.

But what the hell, it's a monday.

You've seen this painting before, right?




I think it's one of those things that we've all seen but we don't know much about. So I decided to do a little research.

The painting is called 'American Gothic', and was made by Grant Wood in 1930. (He lived 1891 –1942.)

He was inspired to paint it by this house that he saw in Iowa:

And he decided to paint it along with 'the kind of people I fancied should live in that house.'

In Woods' painting the farmer is actually standing next to his 'spinster' daughter and not his wife, which is kind of what you assume when you look at the picture, you just think man and wife. Well, that's what I've always incorrectly assumed, anyway.

I think the painting creeps me out, but mostly it just fascinates me. It's an incredibly familiar image. And it makes me wonder what makes one image, like this one, stand the test of time, while hundreds of thousands of others don't.

It's one of the most familiar images in 20th century American art. It's also one of the most parodied.

And that's where the fun starts.

People have done just about everything you can imagine to this image, and then they've done some more. Check it (these have been sourced randomly from all over the internet):

Classic hey? And there are hundreds more out there. Man am I glad I made it into a generation with the internet.

Some more history and a bit of geography for you, Wood entered the painting in an art competition at The Art Institute in Chicago, where he won the bronze medal and a $300 cash prize. The institute later bought the painting and it still hangs there today.

I'd love to see it some day.

Happy Creepy Monday folks.

How long do you give a book?

Some months ago I took a book out of my book club. It had won a Booker and four friends raved about it, so I nabbed it.

48 pages in I found myself bored and restless. I persevered for another three pages and then I did something I very rarely do (particularly with a Booker), I gave up on it.

The following week I returned it to The Good Book Appreciation Society, defeated.

More recently I tried the first book in ‘The Trilogy'. You know the one. Please don’t make me mention it by name and admit to picking it up. Anyway I read the first sixty odd pages, but there were all these strange Swedish names and the story line was so all over the place that I just couldn’t do it.

Concerned I’d become the kind of person who can’t finish a book, I phoned a friend. She told me I needed to persevere and that it got really really good around page six hundred. I instantly gave up on principle. That trilogy will have to remain unread by me. Call me a quitter but I simply refuse to ‘persevere’ for five hundred and forty pages.

I totally get that sometimes a book doesn’t grab you at first, and I’m all for giving it a good go until you get into it. But at some point I think one has to call it quits and not feel too guilty about it. The question is - when is that point?

How long do you give a book?

I did a survey around some of the other writers at work. One said that he will generally give a book till half way. You see, for me that’s too far. Once I hit half way I reckon I’m over the hump, and then I’m committed for the long run.

Another said she never gives up. When she starts a book, she always finishes it. Show off!

Another writer I know never finishes a book. He’ll review the entire thing with a knowledgeable tone while scratching his beard thoughtfully, but when pressed we always discover he didn’t actually make it past page 56, the last page and the back cover blurb.

As an author I know that most readers will pick my book up in the shop, read the first page and then decide whether or not to take it. Based on that I guess a vast majority of readers will give up on a book after the first page. Sheesh, tough crowd.

I suppose it’s all a matter of time. We all have so little of it, and there’s so much to read, why should we ever have to ‘persevere’, even for just a page.

But still, every time I don’t finish a book there’s that little nagging voice, what if I’m missing something amazing that’s just lurking around the very next corner?

Another friend has a theory that specific books come into your life at a certain time, and for a certain reason. Like you can pick a book up on a dark Tuesday in September and can’t make it past page sixteen. But pick it up the following February on a Friday afternoon and it’s an entirely different story. The book speaks to you then. It’s the right book for that time and place.

So, not to be defeated, I took that Booker back out last week. I whipped past page fifty with ease and next thing I knew it was 2am and there was no way I was putting it down.

So now I’m thinking I might have to review how long I give a book.


(This piece first appeared on http://www.booksa.co.za/)

Phuza Thursday

If you're anything like me then you have a problem at cocktail parties.

I arrive with me and my handbag, which is more often than not already too large and too full because I should have emptied it out two weeks ago. So there are some odd things in there like a single slip slop, a teaspoon, and a varied assortment of other strange (and heavy) stuffs. Who knows why, that's just the nature of a hand bag.

Anyway then you grab a drink and find yourself a corner, and then you have to load up on a plate of snacks, cos you can't beat a prawn on a stick with that nice mayo stuff.

And that's where the problem begins. There are no hands left after that. Handbag, drink, plate of food, that's pretty much it. Shaking hands with anybody new is a physical impossibility, and if you're a smoker that adds a whole new series of logistical nightmares to your problem. (One of the main reasons I quit smoking.)

Which is why when I saw this, i thought it was rather clever:

I found it here.

Perfect for a Phuza Thursday, don't you think?

win win win win win

It's time for a spring clean up, so enter this competition and clean up.

Look first things first, beatnik bazaar is a designer who makes the most lovely of lovliest things. So check out her website over here. And while you're there, you can enter her competition.

This is what winner gets:



See, look there, you can win my book, A Million Miles from Normal. As well as cakes, and make-up and dresses and bags and and and and... yeeehaaaa whoop whoop whoop.

And this is what the runner up gets:

Naaaaaice bunch of goodies.

And all you have to do is follow her on twitter, or facebook and comment on her blog post.

Easy Peasy Japaneasy.

Sadly you have to be in Cape Town to enter, just cos the winnings are too massively enormously fabulous to be shipped.

Free stuff rocks! Good luck.

Skin up, pin up

Big shout out today goes to abraxas who sent me this lovely idea. I had seen it before, but never thought to blog about it until now. Peace abraxas, love ya.

Do you remember calendars with pin up girls on them? Like this one:


They used to adorn the walls of garages where men got grease on their hands and fixed your carburetor or your exhaust cam shaft gear shift thingy, and then charged you too much for it. You don't see them in places like that so much anymore.



Sadly I think we've become quite piraat about skin mags. Does los-lyf even exist any more?



Although FHM, GQ and Sports Illustrated Magazines still tend to do a good job of the tits and ass business.

So here's a new form of the pin up, which I think is super sexy, check it out.

That girl really is skin and bones, she should eat something.

Nice rack!

She's not even wearing any shoes in that one. She's completely nekkid. Cover your eyes if you're under 18.

It brings a whole new dimension to the classic pin up.

According to the internetwebmachine, this calendar was created by Medical Imaging firm, EIZO. Clever bunch.

Oh baby, make love to the camera.

And once more, with feeling.

The model wasn't going to take the job, but she was on the bones of her ass.

Okay, okay, I'll stop punning now, promise.

They could do a further version of this same calendar where they hand out 3D glasses, and if you put them on then you see her actual body. Would be awesome.