some very norty cartoons.

somebody cool and fabulous and amazing sent me a link to this internetweb site called 'the blake wright'.

'miss pipp' was it you? i can't remember a hundred percent because it was a while ago. well thank you. it's funny.

this guy draws some cool cartoons that make me smile.

some are funny, some are cute, some are sexy, some are meaningful, and some just are.

i love this. it highlights a completely different way of thinking that really turns me on.

as a sudden aside, i saw this german designer guy talk at the design indaba yesterday and the fridge note above reminded me of something he talked about.

one of the projects he's worked on was designing the corporate id and some products for a time travel store (i know crazy, would take too long to explain.)

here's a picture of the store front he designed:

don't you just love that line: 'whenever you are, we're already then.' GENIUS.

anyway, but that's not my point. my point is this; they designed this 'Time-freeze hyper slush' machine below. but on the day of the launch it broke down. so they put this sign on it:

'Out of order. Come back yesterday.'

endlessly cool i think.

how come i never get the brief to come up with ideas for a time travel store? hurumph.

anyway back to the very wonderful Blake Wright.
tee heee. go paris.

happy friday folks. miss you till monday.

one crazy irrelevant post later.

very nice chap and all round clever mate, alwill, just started a new blog. check it out if you have a moment, it's going to be cool.

he says: 'it's for when 140 characters just aren't enough.'
he's only got one post so far, but i think things could get interesting.

umsthword.blogspotcom is the url.

and here's something else i like, just to appease the blog gods. (you have to feed them something every day, otherwise they get mad. they like a virgin, but i don't know any, so this will have to do.)

(found it on ffffound.com and loved it ever since.)

he he he.

hey i only just noticed, both blog posts today have pictures of old dead guys in them.... hmmm Pink Freud would have a field day.

hey and one last thing, because why the fuck not. check this link out from blogger One Stoned Crow. awesome cool illustrations of chickens. and i just love the title of his blog post: 'chook book'. it's a great title for a cook book full of chicken recipes, don't you think?

random love it-ness.

devil's dictionary - 'L' is for lust

do you remember this guy? it's been quite a while since we last chatted to him.

well just in case you've been off smoking tik out of a lightbulb and then shoplifting at access park for the last couple of months, allow me to introduce you.

please meet Ambrose Bierce.

Back some time around 1842 in Ohio this guy started writing his 'devil's dictionary'. it's genius and he's way sexier than he looks in that picture, trust me.

so we've been trawling through his devil's dictionary letter by letter and we've just reached the 'L's'.

so let's see what mr bierce has to say, everything in purple is transcribed directly from his dictionary by the way. amazing to think he wrote this over 200 years ago. just goes to show, they were a pretty evil minded bunch back then too, see it's not just us.

Lap, n. One of the most important organs of the female system. Chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males.

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises.

Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Laziness, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

Lecturer, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.

Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

Longevity, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.

and so endeth the 'L's' pity he didn't do 'labia' or 'lactate' or 'LSD'. oh well, maybe they didn't have those things in the 1800's.

see you again soon for the 'Mmmm's'.

i don't get ron jeremy.

this is a very rude post.

don't say you weren't warned.

here's something i don't understand.

this is the world's most famous male porn star, ron jeremy:

is it just me or is he the most unlikely candidate imaginable for mr porn star of the universe? this guy has shagged literally thousands of women in the last three decades, we could even be talking hundreds of thousands.


so you think, okay, maybe he was hot when he was younger and that explains it.


yeah, i suppose i can sort of see it. a little bit. maybe.


surely the world's most famous male porn star should look a little more like this... (x-rated pic coming up.) as photographed here by french photographer lars wallenrood -

(WARNING IN RED AND CAPITAL LETTERS - do not go to lars wallenrood's website if you are squeamish about looking at naked men with enormous huge erect penises! please don't go and then come back here and complain that i've ruined your eyes and you'll never see again, ok!)

aw who am i kidding we all know where you're going right now.

so as i was saying, surely the world's most famous male porn star should look a little more like this:

oooh sorry if you were offended by that, here it is below, censored.



better? or is it too late for censoring now? has the damage already been done? sorry man.

(i almost couldn't find a white bar big enough.)

ok back to ron jeremy now. Just for a second try to imagine that you don't know who this man is, that he's just an average joe schmo off the street. now try to imagine the circumstances under which these two girls might sleep with him:


(nice crocs, ron.)

i would have to hazard a guess that there would be only three such circumstances:

1. if he was filthy stinking fucking rich. and i mean filthy!

2. if he was a reach for a dream guy, and this was his dying wish you might find it somewhere (deep inside you) to grant a dying man his final wish.

3. if just out of that picture on either side of those girls were two men, each holding a gun to their heads.

according to imdb, where old ron jeremy has an extensive profile, this guy has been in over 1186 movies since 1977. he kicks Clint Eastwood and Steven Segal's collective asses quite substantially.

he's also directed a further 163 films, written 33 of them and produced seven of them. not particularly hard to write these things i would imagine, throw in a bit of oohing and aaahing and a couple of oh babies, toss in the odd money shot and you're done. but still those are some pretty impressive statistics.

his most recent movie is called - Killer School Girls from Outer Space - and it's still in production. Sounds like a goodie. bet that plot has some surprising twists and turns.

bet that semen recipe book would be a doddle for a guy like ron.

shall we say goodbye to hello?

hello new follower, RWWells. i'm not sure if you know this, but i like to welcome all new followers here personally. see, i did it here first and then here and here, and at least a dozen other times. i'm chuffed to have you here RW, don't forget to wipe your feet before you come in.

and hello new follower Juanne.

the very handsome Juanne has a very norty blog over here, called - A Slice of Gay Pie. lots of yummy boys over there let me tell you, although none that would give us a second glance i'm afraid ladies.

just to come clean, all these lovely hello pictures are nicked right off the net. please don't sue me people of the net, i would credit you if i knew who you were, promise.

right team, so here's the dilemma. continue welcoming people personally or no? i always thought i'd stop at 100 and here we are at 100.

please let me know in comments section below if you don't like it or find it boring, i promise it won't hurt my feelings. i just want this place to be nice for you all, so lemme know what you think truthfully and i'll act accordingly. k?

if it's boring i'll can it.

if you like it i'll keep it.

democratic, no?

cooking with semen.

some time last week i offered to write a hello to emma and sylvie hurford and peatree in semen and then photograph it with a blacklight. and i was really going to do it, really i was. as soon as i found a willing donor. but then when it came down to the technicalities of it i realised it was a logistical nightmare. i mean do you have any idea how much semen you would need to write the word hello? quite a lot actually.

so when genius blogging friend middlegoat sent me this, i realised there is a whole world full of people out there who consider using semen in crazy ways.

phew, nobody likes to be the only freak on the bus.

look at this, some dodgy motherfucker has come up with a book full of semen-based recipes:



this is for reals, and serius. would i lie to you?

apologies if i just put you off creme brulee for like ever. but i'm a victim here too, i also had to witness this.

here are a couple of spreads from the recipe book to horrify you further:



that is the index for the 'sauces' section. transcribed it says, and i quote here for accuracy: 'semen can make any sauce more exciting. The sauces should be of the 'full fat' variety so don't even think about calories when making these sauces.'

trust me dude, if i was INSANE and i made any of these sauces, FULL OF SEMEN - calories would be the absolute last thing i'd be thinking about, you have my word!

i'm not sure what's more horrifying, the fact that there's a 'pungent aioli' sauce made out of semen on page 41, or the fact that there are more than 41 pages worth of semen recipes in this book.

i know chefs always bash on about the importance of fresh ingredients, but this is fricken ridiculous.

so what's next, ah how about a semen smoothie, anyone?

i see they recommend 1-3 tablespoons of fresh semen!

i forsee a couple of problems here:

1. it's semen!

2. 1-3 tablespoons, that seems an awful lot don't you think? i mean can all that come (eish sorry) from just one guy? or would one need to line up a couple?

3. if you summons hubby/boyf/dude into the kitchen in the morning and somehow manage to procure 1-3 tablespoons of fresh semen from him to whip into your breakfast smoothie, you're almost guaranteed of zero action later on that night, aren't you? bit of a toss up (sorry again) for me. Get it all this morning, but not really get much of anything tonight, or make a normal fucking smoothie that isn't completely wierd and creepy this morning, and have fabulous sex tonight, AND not have to swallow!

hey maybe that's how all this craziness came about in the first place, bunch of dudes trying to figure out how to get their chicks to swallow.

DUDE NUMBER ONE: hey dude, i've got an idea.

DUDE NUMBER TWO: yeah?

DUDE NUMBER ONE: let's make recipes out of it, then they've got to swallow.

DUDE NUMBER TWO: yeah!

and finally here's a spread from the desserts section, it's the index:

'a good dessert is the climax of any meal.' - it wasn't me this time, they punned that one all on their own.

oh look, 'Tiramisu Surprise'. Darling, if i've asked you once, i've asked you a million times, please warn me!

i'm pretty sure i speak for everyone right now when i say that nobody enjoys a semen surprise!

look, surprise surprise, they have a website. http://www.cookingwithcum.com/ - like i said, you couldn't make this shit up!

hello new followers 97 and 98

two new followers just joined quicker than you can say -

'hello-two-new-followers-you-rock-and-i-dig-you-and-i'm-so-glad-you-stopped-by-and-would-you-like-a-spot-of-tea-if-i-promise-to-lace-it-with-some-whiskey-and-not-the-cheap-crap-stuff-you-keep-for-the-visitors-you're-not-crazy-about-i'm-talking-about-the-expensive-stuff-you-hide-at-the-back-of-the-cupboard.'

michelle and edf - big yayness that you're here. holler if i can do anything to make your stay more comfy. ps: tomorrow's post is a little bit gross and freakish, that happens around here sometimes, sorry.

clients from hell - fireball

more wonderful clients from hell craziness, here.

unacceptable behaviour - guys with comb overs

can we just talk about guys with comb overs for a second, please?

the latest guy i'm chatting to online has one. (don't worry, that's not him above.)

i just don't think i can go through with it. even for the sake of journalistic integrity. even for the sake of a good blog post. even for the sake of your entertainment. i just don't think i can date a guy with a comb over.

i have similar, although slightly less violent feelings about guy's with ponytails. i'm never really sure why they have them. all the guys i know with ponytails never wear their hair loose anyway, always up in that ponytail.

what's the point of a boy having long hair if it's always tied up?
hair pulled back in a ponytail equals short hair anyway doesn't it?

but back to the ponytail's balder more unacceptable step-brother, the comb over.

why chaps? who do we think we are fooling here? baldness (which can be very sexy in itself) has come. there must be a more handsome and graceful way of dealing with it than this:

can we take some kind of poll here please:

the comb over - clearly unacceptable, right?

but guys with ponytails; are we for or against it?

how un-ass-eptable is it?

i'm probably going to upset some people over this, but i'm go out on a limb here and say i'm against it. although if i had to choose between a ponytail or a comb over, mr ponytail would win hands down every time.

hello new follower number 96.

oi demitri. howdeee. welcome to a million miles. so very glad you could make it.

ps: that's not a picture of me waving. i have a hunchback, pigeon toes and crow's feet, and i never learnt how to wave.

deem's home is a very nice blog over here. he has some mad fancy computer skills.

alright, so only four hellos left before we hit a hundred and then we send the personal hellos to their bedroom without any dinner. (they're going to need lots of therapy when they grow up.)

hello new follower 95

XOXO is new follower number 95. She likes Hello Kitty. but she also likes the very genius tv series 'House', so she can't be all that bad.

xoxo, i'm so glad you're here i could kiss you, then hug you, then kiss you, and then hug you again.

you may not know but i like to welcome all new followers here personally. until we reach number 100 that is, so five more to go.

for those of you who know about my bet with Juz, i'm afraid i lost. boo hoo. it's okay, he has low self esteem, beating him would have been bad for his health. so i'm actually doing the right thing by losing. he he he. (anything to make myself feel better, i'm a terrible loser.)

anyway back to the business of helloing. xoxo has two lovely blogs. one about cleavage that all you boys must visit immediately if you wish to be made very happy. and another about finding your unicorn. which looks to be a very fun business, and i shall begin the hunt immediately.

the blog crush

i have a blog crush.

his name is geniuspending.com.

i want his blog and my blog to kiss and make little bloglets. or maybe our blogs should rather use female condoms and just screw a lot.

here are some of his things. i stole them. don't tell him otherwise he might get a restraining order and then i'll be forced to admire from afar. and that would suck.

listen, if you go there and get a crush too... well just don't. cos i saw him first.