2 hellos in a row. hello gail.

apologies to all for the two hellos in a row. that's just the way this cookie crumbled.

hello gail, new follower number 78! *wave, wave, wave*. i like your blog, my big fat secret. it's fab, and i can totally relate.

you join us on the absolute last day of january, the first and poorest month of the year.

bring on february, the shortest and richest month of the year.

um excuse me for a second...

did a girl just get married to her dog on carte blanche, or am i seeing things? wahahahahahahahhahahahahahaahaha *breathe* wahahahahahahahahhahahaahahaha.

the world just gets stranger and stranger. i love it.

hello new follower 77

hello and welcome and howareyadoing chris, new follower number 77.



oh how nice it would be if i could get this image to just go a little bigger and still wave, but not get cut off by the border of the pic thingy.



see, i've tried a bunch of times, but i just can't get it right.

thanks to andrew the most great, for sourcing and sending me this cool wavey new followers image. i do love it, but it did almost make me cry.

i mean, we put people on the moon for christsake! this should be easy peasy japaneasy!

but it's not.

so chris, you get two options. the teeny tiny little waving version, or the normal sized waving cropped off version.

there's a third option too, but it involves me picking up this monitor and throwing it out the window, then going outside (i'm still in my pajamas) and kicking at what's left of the computer with my bare foot. then jumping up and down screaming and swearing and clutching at my now bleeding foot as a horrified crowd of onlookers starts to gather. yeah, i thought you'd be happier with those other two options.

that's just life right, nothing ever goes quite as planned.

anyway, moving along swiftly.

hey (in an attempt to change the subject and distract myself from my ever-growing frustration at being a complete fricken laggard) remember bingo? i'm not entirely sure why it's been relegated to old people and losers. it's a fucken scream of a game.

they've got that funky way of calling out the numbers.

it's usually some dodgy old geezer in a sparkly jacket doing the calling:

number 8, one fat lady.

number 11, legs eleven.

number 22, two little ducks.

number 24, do you want some more?

number 46, up to tricks.

and number 77 - lucky sevens.

BINGO!

travels in absurdia

hey, thank fuck it's friday.

Rico is an illustrator from joburg who i follow on his blog, my dog ate my sketchbook.

and i think this series: 'travels in absurdia' are warped and gorgeous enough to fit in quite nicely round these parts. i love them.

enjoy.

thanks Rico.

'Travels in Absurdia - no passport required.'

the quick shag.

i frequently frequent a local online dating website.

the other night, well after midnight, i got this message delivered into my inbox:

as you can see, he calls himself 'hornyguyza'.

i wonder if he wants to get to know me really well over a couple of months to see if we're compatible. talk for hours so he can really begin to understand my deepest thoughts, hopes and dreams.

then maybe meet my friends and my family and build on our solid foundations by taking things slowly.

and then one day some years from now, marry me and spend the rest of our lives together?

yeah, probably not.

hello new followers

just a quick welcome to the two new followers - cos that's how we roll over here. we're polite like that.

so hello john (follower number 75) and hi there bubby (follower number 76).

i'm so glad you're both here. in fact as you can see, i'm happy in at least a dozen different languages.

hope you both enjoy your stay. come visit often, see.

clients from hell - csi

more clients from hell here.

nerdy book stuffs

i just finished this book:

it was surprisingly good and i whipped through it.

among other things it's about a stripper, so it had some smut in it, which is always good.

and then it had a very cool twist at the end, that i really never saw coming. bonus.

although it's over 500 pages long, the story flew along at a nice rapid pace and kept me guessing, and what more could one ask for in a book?

and look, the author's kind of hot. that always helps.

i just wasn't sure about the title. i developed some kind of mental block over it, it refuses to stick in my brain.

so how would you all feel about the odd book review over here at a million miles?

i don't want to bore you, or detract from your daily dose of smut, so please let me know honestly if you think it's a sucky idea.

here, will it work better for you if i add in a dirty picture?

okay...

here's a man in a giant penis costume:

ewwww, his chin are the balls! gross.

a match made somewhere just to the left of heaven

ok dudes, are you sitting down?

don't worry, you won't upchuck in your cereal this morning (again, sorry about yesterday). this is more crazy mad, than crazy gross.

now you all know i'm the first to admit that i've seen some insane things on the online dating website i frequent.

but this... this is something entirely new.

i'm not even sure where to begin.

please meet 'indumiso'.

he is 37 years old.

he lives in soweto.

his first language is zulu, but he speaks english and sotho too.

and he's married with some children, see:

but it seems indumiso is not happy with his lot, and he's looking for something else. something completely else.

over and above what he already has indumiso is looking for a young jewish woman, who lives by the torah and is preferably a submissive virgin.

yup. i kid you not, s'true story.

see, here's his narrative:

'He describes his ideal match thus:

She must be a woman who is a virgin and who fears YHWH. LIVING BY THE TORAH BELIEVING IN YAHUSHUA.'

'Why should you get to know indumiso?

I will prefere a lady who is a virgin and who live by the torah. eat kosher food. submisive wife and who is the follower of Yahushua The Messiah.'

hmmm. apparently i'm a 41% match for him. inteeeerrresssttting.

i'm not entirely sure which part of me is the 41% match for him.

i'm certainly not a virgin. hell, i'm not even 41% of a virgin.

i'm jewish, but i'm about as much of a fan of anything wrapped in bacon as a pig farmer, so i'm not kosher by any stretch of the imagination.

ah, it must be the submissive part. i'm very submissive.

when i'm sleeping, or in a coma.

i suppose my parents did always want me to marry a jewish boy. although i'm pretty sure this isn't quite what they had in mind.

unacceptable behaviour - men in g-strings

SORRY TO SHOUT AT YOU: but apparently this post needs a warning. so here goes: please read on carefully, particularly if you are:

A) an unsuspecting lesbian sitting at wembley square, opening this page on your laptop in front of others
B) eating breakfast while you read it
C) squeamish
D) all of the above.





i'm not quite sure what to say about the above. i'm a little speechless.

why would you do that, guy? is the first thought that comes to mind. closely followed by WTF, dude?

i mean it's not like he's trying to avoid an embarrassing pantyline, he's wearing tracksuit pants for christsake!! yes, i used two exclamation marks, that's how strongly i felt about that last sentence.

wait let's break this down, how do we feel about men in g-strings, folks?

i sort of think i'm mostly against it, but not entirely against it, there might be a couple of exceptions:

like i think it's unacceptable for straight guys who are truckers or professional sportsmen, or my boyfriend, but potentially okay for the occasional gay guys with rocking bods, right?

or alright for skinny guys, but just not ok if you're heavier set or fucken hairy?



yikes!

i'm not sure. will have to wait to hear what you all think before i form a final set opinion.

i recently saw these advertised on regretsy:

talk about a banana hammock!

yeah, no, i've made my decision. gay, straight, fat, thin, hairy, japanese, polish, dockworker, martian from outer space - it's pretty unasseptible.

ha ha un-ass-eptible!

real life blow up dolls, for real?

it seems blow up dolls have come a long long way in the last decade.
(and not just thanks to mail order.)

genius blogging friend goatville sent me to this website where you can buy real life blow up dolls.

bit of an oxymoron, hey?

these smart and smutty folks have come up with a way to use movie set special effects to create some scarily life-like dolls for your and my erm... viewing pleasure.

here's their shplurb:

okey dokey then. sounds like all i've ever wanted. one of those, oh and yacht.

before i show you some of these real life dolls, let's just pretend you don't already have an old model hiding away stashed at the back of your closet, and let's take a look at what blow up dolls used to look like before we got all fancy, here are a few the way i remember them:

these ones are pretty polite ie: without the holes, here's one with the holes.

yeah, you remember her. nothing new, instant best friend.

but apparently we've become a bit more discerning when it comes to who/what we want to share our beds with. and so lucky for us Real Doll has found a solution.

a real life partner who wont leave the toilet seat up.

wont leave the cap off the toothpaste.

a little on the quiet side, but will never cheat on you or hog the remote.

they offer 16 standard female faces and 10 bodies. so you can buy one body and a series of interchangable faces/heads and you never have to screw the same 'person' twice.

let's meet some of the 'girls':

this is Leah. incredibly real, hey?

and meet Jenny. she likes long drags along the beach, not being left in direct sunlight, and being cleaned with a damp cloth.

i don't know, maybe it's just me but besides being incredibly life-like, some of these 'girls' have the strangest expressions, see:

that's Kaori, and she looks completely shocked, like she's thinking, what? you mean i'm not real?i'm just made out of plastic?!?

and this one is Nika.

she just looks seriously pissed off. but then can you blame her, who wants to spend their entire life giving back to back blow jobs?

and look there's a whole section on the realdoll website where you can buy clothes and accesories for your doll.

just in case you want to dress her up nice and take her somewhere special. out for dinner, or to the prom or something. i suppose she can't go naked, right? although she won't make much dinner time conversation, not having a voice box and all. (maybe that's the next step?)

and the clever chaps at Real Doll don't just have girl dolls, they're equal opportunity smut peddlers. look, they have boy dolls too.

You can choose between nick:

or michael:

look you can even check out what they've got to offer in the apendages department:

i must say i'm a bit freaked out about the feet thing. um... what's that got to do with anything... it's not like you need to check out the size of his feet to figure out the size of his thing, his thing is right there staring you in the face.

are the feet for foot fetishists? odd.

and of course as with the girls you get to pick your proportions from a drop-down menu:

forget online dating, this is genius! at least with this you always know what you're getting. with online dating if you choose 'handsome' in the drop down menu, you're more than likely going to get 'cyclops' instead. this is the kind of sure thing i could really go for.

$1300 bucks! sheesh, for that kind of dosh i hope he can also do the dishes and mow the lawn.

and girls, if you're not interested in being with a guy who has a mind you could always just order up a body to your own defined specifications, like this:

Or wait, if even a body is too much for you to deal with, you might just be interested in their 'RealCock' option. Look, it's got a convenient flat base, and as the descriptor says: 'It's the ultimate Sit 'n Sin!'

waahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaa i'm completely finished for that. it looks like one of those collectable toys people put on their desks next to their computers. wahahahahahahahahaha.

but here's my favourite part of the whole website. they've dressed and styled and set the dolls up in life-like positions and photographed them.

here's nick, reading a magazine on your couch, on a lazy saturday afternoon. (bonus with man dolls - they have no interest in sport, which means weekends are all yours.)

and here's angela. shame her boobs are so big, she can't stand up. has to lie on her back all the time, poor dear.

and of course there's always a britney. here she is all styled up. but what's with the finger point?

maybe she's saying, of course we can have sex babe, but only if you brought a rubber.

oh no wait, she is rubber!

well hello there

as per tradition, a big double scotch on the rocks sized welcome and hello to new follower number 74, Anwill. and i mean the expensive scotch that we hide in the cupboard for when the important visitors come, not the everyday cheap crap that we leave lying around, that the cleaning lady drinks and the teenagers syphon off of and water down so the bottle doesn't look any emptier.

unacceptable behaviour - the scrunchie

part two in the 'unasseptible behaviour' series, wherein we discuss/debate/kill each other over behaviour that may or may not be deemed unacceptable.

first up, you may remember, was socks with flip flops.

yes, which i think we all (the four of us who commented) unanimously agreed is unacceptable behaviour. (together with the croc, which garnered some debate, but as far as i'm concerned unless you're under 10 or a chef, they're unacceptable people!)

next up we have... drum roll please...

the scrunchie:

remember that?

this was a huge fashion statement in the late eighties/early nineties. i had them. my sisters had them. my friends all had them. you know you had them. and sadly enough a far too large percentage of the population still has them. i saw one at the gym the other day. it was floral and horrifying.





eurotard indeed!

truly not acceptable. even if you are the teller at the bank and you have to wear pumps as part of your work uniform.

i'm not one to beg, but please, please tell me you agree.

clients from hell - taglines

more 'clients from hell' gems here.

dating a car guard

so, a car guard asked me out on a date yesterday. s'true story.

i even considered it. i mean he has a job and a nice smile. that's more than i can say for a lot of the dates i've been on recently. and I heard a couple of car guards in cape town just got given a two million rand audi, talk about perks.

wait, hold on before you gape at me, thinking that i would shack up with just any old car guard, this guy is the parking guard at one of the suppliers we use for work. see, not just any old car guard.

at the end of last year we did a very work intensive job with this specific supplier, so i was seeing a fair amount of this parking guard chap. a couple of times a day over a two month period he would guide me into the parking area and generally help me out. he had a really friendly smile, and so i found myself smiling back and greeting the guy.

and so yesterday i had to return to the supplier for the first time this year. boy was this guy happy to see me. and i must admit in amongst the surly responses one generally gets from service providers in and around cape town, it was kind of nice to see his warm friendly smile again.

so we wished each other a happy new year and said it was nice to see each other again.

and then it happened.

he asked me if i'd like to get a drink with him.

really. i kid you not. he did. that's exactly what he said, in his thick nigerian french accent.

Do you wanna get a drink with me?

he said.

and he was pretty smooth about it.

i gaped and stuttered a bit. i was shocked.

and then i politely declined and bragged a bit about my imaginary boyfriend.

i wonder where he would have taken me? where do parking guards go for drinks on first dates?
and would he have worn the luminous vesty jackety thing on our date? i would like to think he would have.

and where ever we ended up going, would we still have to tip the car guard at that place, or do car guards have immunity from their fellow car guard mates? a professional courtesey of sorts.

i can just picture introducing him to my friends and family down the line.

'friends and family,' i would say, 'i'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, Olumuyiwa Adebayo, he's in the motor industry.'

hello. hi. hoezit.

as has become custom here at a million miles, i am surfer stoked to welcome two fabulous new followers, angela and leisel.

angela has just started up her own blog over here. check it out if you get a chance, it's called 'the greater good'. only one post in and i think i'm going to like it.

google searches

i love google.

need a picture of a man wearing a gimp suit? there you go, my friend.

wanting to find another word for cataclysmic? voila.

desperate to watch two lesbians beat the crap out of a small japanese man? how small would you like that japanese man to be, sir?

there is no search too complicated or way out there for our friends at google.

and more recently they improved on their service, if that was ever even possible. they've added in a function which offers up suggestions. so you start typing in what you're searching for and the googlemachine will try finish your sentence for you.

see, type in 'Google is' and it will offer up the following:

thechive.com have collected up some of these classic search suggestions and i thought i'd share them. cos it's funny. and i like it. and why not? and just because, okay!

miss goatville i know a while back you posted something along a similar vein, so apologies for that. but this is too good not to share.

seriously, 103 000 results for 'bears are godless killing machines'?

since every day so far this week has been a monday, i thought we'd see what google has to say about 'work is...'

i couldn't have said it better myself.

and then there are the questions that you should probably ask a trained professional, but sometimes it's just too embarrassing to admit out loud to someone, and somehow it's just easier to anonymously type it into dr google.

like say for example, your poop is green, or you're having an existential crisis about the meaning of life and can't afford the R450 an hour to see a shrink, simply tap away at that keyboard.

or if you're a thirty seven year old virgin and there are certain things you'd like to know about girls, but you're too shy to pop downstairs to the kitchen and ask your mom... google will always be there for you. unlike us, it will never judge your patheticness.

where do girls pee from? um... our armpits? where do you think, doofus.

where do girls shave? wahahahahahahaha

and i love 'where do girls hang out' it's so hopeful, yet so desperate at the same time.

where do girls with one leg work? how is it possible that there are one point one million results for that!

aren't you concerned that you ever thought you were actually a 'golem' to begin with?

here you go, just in case you, like me, didn't have any idea what a 'golem' actually is, i did a google search. thank you google, see your uses are endless.


ok, what's next, how about a ready made source of alibi? here we go:

classic. google will even help you break the law. what more can you ask for in a search engine?

dude, you can't sleep because you're sitting at your computer. turn it off and go to bed.

chick, you can just eat your waffle, it's a free country, nobody is trying to stop you.

oke, you can't get a job because you smell like farts, and you wear socks with slip slops.

see, maybe i could work for google.

hey, why don't girls have adams apples? good question. i'm actually going to go and check that one out.

aha

i googled it and:

A: When the larynx grows larger during puberty, it sticks out at the front of the throat. This is what's called an Adam's apple. Everyone's larynx grows during puberty, but a girl's larynx doesn't grow as much as a boy's does.

Dear Google,

thank you for being entertaining and informative!

love paige.

does that answer your question?

no, mine neither.

why are you typing dumb crap into google?

i would have asked 'why would somebody want to know why their poop floats?'

or why would there be 421 000 results for 'why does my eye twitch?"

and then of course last but by no means least, what are friends?

friends are like peeing your pants. my thoughts exactly.

ah google, unravelling the world, one dumb question at a time.