happy new year

happy new year favourite people who are reading this. and who are favourite people because you read this.

also a big

to our new follower, Ms Soulife. i am so happy to see you here that i will go out and drink a whole tank-full of johnnie walker black label tonight to celebrate.

ok, let's just be honest here, i probably would have gone out and drunk that tankload whether you were here or not, but still i'm super happy you're here.

talk more in the new year.

be safe. (driving safe and condom safe if you're going to get lucky.)

happy happy all.

hi guy

i see there's a new follower to say hello to.






hello The Upright Man.

i'm so pleased you could join us.

so pleased in fact, i'm like a dog with two tails, or a pig in shit, or an ex-south african now living in london, who has a huge bag of biltong (or a lap dancer) in his lap. yup, that happy.

please enjoy your stay.

a letter from G-d.

i saw this and it made me think of you.

it's an email to you, yes you, from G-d.

you'd think he'd have a more interesting signature, right?

also being the man upstairs you'd think he'd have more influence over the postal service. he sent it in 2004 and we only just recieved it. i understand that the mail is a little slower at this time of year, but this is ridiculous.

anyway no need to stress about it, i don't think it's actually from the real G-d. if it was i'm almost positive the punctuation would be better.

i mean i'm with him on the all lower case thing, but he's missing a full stop and a question mark. he created them, he should have some idea how to use them. i'm just saying!

hello new follower

some months ago i decided to say a personal hello to each new follower.

so hello new follower, 'trevor fish'. so chuffed you could join us.

hey everyone, hope you all had a nice christmas.

i don't know about you, but this is how the holidays generally go for me -

first day of holiday: up at 8, gymed and showered and rearing to go by 10am.

last day of holiday: up at 10, eaten the entire contents of the house by 8.

and so we barrel towards 2010. don't think i'm going to do resolutions this year, maybe just stick with a general theme for the year, if i can come up with one. and no, it won't be penises and vaginas!

there's good news and there's bad news.

dear lovely, clever, smart, vaguely smutty readers,


there's good news and there's bad news.

the good news is that it's holiday time.

the bad news is that i need a bit of a break, so things are going to slow right down here at a million miles from normal. i will still be posting, but not as regularly as usual. i promise to go back to my regular daily postings in early january and be back in full swing by the 11th Jan.

i vow to spend my entire holiday unearthing all manner of stories that will astound you. and going on dates with the kinds of freaks, lunatics and gimps that will shock and horrify you well into the new year. you have my word.

thanks for your support so far everyone. virtual blow jobs for all the boys (even the ugly ones) and free virtual manolo blahniks for all the girls (even the ugly ones).

merry xmas, happy chanukah, good whatever else it is you celebrate, and happy new year.

please promise to come back safely and visit again in the new year. i would be completely lost without you.

smog vs blog

blog = web log.
smog = smut log.


i think currently i'm going through a phase.

let's call it my blue period.
seems like my settings are just tuned in to smut.

yesterday i had this conversation with my mom: (who is amazing. and i'm not just saying that because she's going to be reading this. although it can't harm to flatter, right? specially with xmas round the corner. anyway, i'm digressing terribly.)

my mom: i told xyz about your blog. he's going to go check it out.
me: thanks mom that's very cool of you.
my mom: yes, i told him when he reads it he should just pretend we're not your parents.


when is smut too much smut?
i don't want to damage your retinas. well, not permanently anyway.

maybe it's time for a bit more poetry and kittens scattered in between the penises and vaginas.

i bumped into 'mr canada' in the elevator yesterday and he feels there's a little too much smut, although he said he will still keep on coming back. interesting.

hey readers, if you have an opinion on levels of smut that are acceptable here on the old blog, please leave comment. i mean how much penis is too much penis?

oh and have a nice day. (see i can be polite too, not just smutty, i wasn't raised by wolves you know {yes that was more sucking up to my mom, i'm hoping for a kindle for christmas, you see.}[yes i know i'm jewish and we don't get xmas gifts, but with enough sucking up, you never know] (oops i'm digressing again){but i kind of got into enjoying all these different brackets.} wait, now i've lost track, oh yes, i just need one more of these)

RIO

Writers can do anything they want to at any time.
It’s one of the perks.
Anything.
For example:I’m crawling through your legs right now.
I’m halfway through.
Jesus Christ I’m stuck.
Move a bit.
No, I’m ok.
I’m on the move.
I’m through.
I’m stood behind you.
I’m running off.
I’ve gone.
Where the fuck am I?
I’m miles away.
I’m poolside in Rio.
I’m sipping milk and clicking my fingers.
I’m diving in.
I’m already out and dry,
I’m stood behind you again,
I’m back in Rio again.
You see how nimble we can be.
It is fairly impressive to non writers.
We can be persuasive too.
For example:I really did just crawl through your legs.
Genuinely. I did.
I really did.
I did.
I didn’t go to Rio but I did crawl through your legs.
You know I did.



michael crowe wrote this, not me. i only wish i'd written it. i think it kind of neatly sums up how i feel about being a writer. i heart it big time.

his blog is called fig crumbs.

i love you michael crowe. will you marry me? i'm not a crazy stalker-type, i promise. ok maybe i am, just a little bit.

clients from hell - childbirthing class

oooh, another goodie from one of my favourite websites; clients from hell.

awkward boners

this is mad.

i'm warning you.

completely absolutely totally mad.

consider yourself doubly warned.

in the big wide out there place called the internetweb, someone has a website called awkwardboners.com.

don't say i didn't warn you.

it's where people post photographs they've nabbed of awkward boners.

like this one:

Guess the water’s not that cold

i'm not entirely sure what officially constitutes an 'awkward boner'. the site doesn't clarify. but i'm guessing it's when a boner um er... pops up in an awkward or inapropriate situation. such as this one:

spidy clearly thinks miss spidy is hot.

nadal, maybe a little too excited to win.

i'm guessing now everyone knows what his super power is.

i always suspected wrestlers were a little um er.. awkward, if you know what i mean. rolling around the floor together in one piece unitards getting hard ons. hello.

this wrestling team somewhere in eastern europe wrestles with jesus on their side, and are aparently generally unbeatable in all competitions (except the not-getting-a-boner-while-rolling-around-in-spandex-with-another-guy competition).

i'm surprised there aren't more mixed sex wrestling competitions. oh wait there are. they're called sex.

go go power rangers.

altogether a little too excited to be on the cover of 'Ride!' magazine. was the editor blind? (you know what causes blindness, right?)

a rickshaw ride with a happy ending anyone?

maybe that's why those girls are both grinning so much.

more excited wrestlers.

and i think that's more than enough awkward boners for today. particularly if you haven't had your coffee yet this morning. ew, i feel kind of dirty now.

hello sweeties.

welcome two new followers, dummy and sly.

two of my very favourite people.

i couldn't be more chuffed to see you both here. even if someone had just bought me a kindle and a pony and my own house in constantia.


just when i thought we'd be floundering on 58 forever, you go and make my day.

wonder who's going to be follower number 69?

(sorry, i can't help it, my brain is stuck on the 'smut' setting right now.)

hoezit.

a big yellow furry hello to two new followers - 'the pet' and 'amanda'.

phew for a second there i was starting to think we'd be stuck on 58 followers till eternity. it's kind of a relief to see the number jump up by two.

anyone else wanna come on over to the dark side? promise it won't hurt. much.

juztick

teddy bears with vaginas.

who's smoking crack now?


it's a soft fluffy teddy bear, with a life-like vagina.




brings new meaning to the term 'stocking stuffer'.

it's now on sale for xmas at regretsy.com. in their christmas fuckery sale. i kid you not. you can also pick up a 'catnip fetus toy' and some 'granny panty merkin panties'.

because seriously, a teddy bear with a vagina, isn't that what you've always wanted for xmas? that and a pony with nipples?

maybe it can hang out with my dolly with a penis? creepy key swapping orgy party in the toy box tonight!

the only sad post you'll ever read here.

if you've ever visited this blog before you'll know that i don't write about sad stuff. i write about smut and penises of all different shapes and sizes and bad dates and vagina necklaces. but not sad things. so apologies - i'm breaking away from the norm. promise it's a one time only thing.


some years ago i dated this guy - we were together for just over a year. let's just say it didn't end well. hearts were broken. mainly mine.


anyway, yesterday i found out that he recently died after a heart attack.


these are some of the things i remember about him:


- he would call early to wake me up and say good morning every single morning we were together. he carried this on for several months after we split up. even when i no longer answered the phone, he would still call.


- he hated photographs and refused to be in them. if he was caught in one he would always manage to cover his face. which is sad, since now he's gone i have very little physical evidence he was ever actually here.




- he beat me at backgammon. a lot.


- he made a mean breakfast.


- he was forever going on missions to rescue stray cats and kittens. even feral ones.


- he was my friend.


- one night we went for a candlelit dinner in simonstown. we went for an after dinner and tequilla moonlit walk down the pier. it was very romantic, until i got my heel caught, fell off the pier and broke my arm. very glamorous, me.


- i always wondered why he happened to me. what possible reason caused him to be in my life and cause me all that pain. Then when i wrote A Million Miles from Normal (available in all good book shops from April 2010), a much fictionalised version of our story together became an intricate part of the novel's plot. and i realised that was the reason. i was always going to send him a copy once it was published. now he'll never know.


good bye guy.
you were a shit, but i dug you anyway.

clients from hell - beautiful design

since i always like you to leave here with a bit of a smile, or a warm feeling, or a small grin, or even a little semi, i thought i'd post another of these classic comments from one of my favourite new sites: clients from hell.

i didn't want to leave you with nothing but a dead ex boyfriend on this end of year tuesday.

that's what friends are for

we've come to the end of a long, hard year and we're well into silly season, which means it's party time. it's also a good time to evaluate your friends.

do they hold your hair back for you while you puke?

are they always willing to be your wing man/wing-girl when you're trying to pick someone up?

after a big night out, do they make sure you get home safely and without embarrassing yourself?

or do they wait till you pass out from too many jagger-bombs, then take some permanent markers and draw all over you?

sing along with me, altogether now, even you at the back who's horribly out of tune, c'mon:

'keep smiling,

keep shining,

knowing i can always count on you.

fer sure.

that's what friends are for...'

this guy will play along on the guitar:

merry xmas and happy new year, friends.

Clients from hell

'CLIENTS FROM HELL' is one of my new all time favourite websites.



it's a series of nightmare stories posted anonymously by people from all over the world telling stories of their interactions with their dumbass clients.



see i'm lucky i only have amazing clients. clients who are smart and funny and clever and sorted. especially the ones who read this blog. clients from heaven, really. ok enough of the arse kissing.

here check out a couple, and then i'll be posting them randomly whenever i come across a good one. they're just too good not to share. my comments are in blue.

nice. wahahahhahhaa - what's the bet the next question is: 'and can you make the logo one one hundredth of a percent bigger?'

wahahahahhahahahaha *breathe* wahahahahahahahhahahahahaha.

it's only funny because it's so true.

i love a bit of constructive feedback.

thanks 'clients from hell' you made made my day. but next time, please could you just make it a little bigger and slightly more to the left, and for a little cheaper. thank you.

all the art direction you'll ever need.

ok, i'll say it:

i'm a wannabee art director.

or as some call it;

a back-seat art director.

or as the actual art directors call it:

'a pain in the ass'.

leave your seat in front of your mac vacant for even a second and i'm all over that thing. fucking up your settings and not knowing how to 'send something to the back'.

which is why this cool thing that @FuziJuzi sent me made me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh then hiccough and laugh and laugh and laugh some more. and then made me jump on your mac and post it right here on the blog.




it's all the bad art direction you'll ever need. it's the mother load.

happy friday art directors, designers and other people.

and apologies that both of todays posts are about advertising/design/art direction stuffs. i don't normally go there, but i kinda had to today. more smut from monday. that's a promise.

fricken' funny typo.

well i suppose it's less typo, more classic word play.

the design goddess sent it to me. it made me laugh out loud. and i'm feeling particularly grumpy today, so it must be super fricken' funny.

coke branding fail

did the designer miss a trick here?

or do i just have a dirty mind?

a bit of bondage anyone?

i found this guy at the online dating website this last weekend.

an aside: please can we all just forget the stigma of dating online, that's so last decade. it's time to move on. these days it really is a viable way to meet nice guys, if you're a single girl looking for (mis)adventures.
alternately it's a fantastic place to find fodder for the old blog, since it's full of freaks and lunatics. like this winner, who i will be taking home to meet my parents immediately. NOT.

it's quite small, so i hope you can read it. but just in case you can't (i've asked you before, please bring your specs) to sum up - he's looking for someone intersted in: 'bondage, discipline, spankings, sadomasochism, leather or rubber fetishes, power play, chains, ropes and other related BDSM activities.' (anything in purple on this blog are his words directly transcribed.)

DUDE! what the hell? why are you in my matches? where in my profile have i ever even hinted at the fact that i'm interested in this kind of thing? i'll tell you where; NOWHERE! because i'm not.

chains? what on earth are you going to do with chains? or is that just the part where you lock up your bicycle outside, before you pop inside to reveal a full body leather one-piece, underneath your chino's and polo shirt?

mr spanky then goes on to describe his ideal match thus:

as per above he asks me if i've ever: 'imagined yourself at someones feet serving them, catering to their every desire and whim.'

dude, if i wanted that i would have gotten married years ago!

nope, sorry no 'miriad of dark thoughts' here, guy. just a miriad of light, happy thoughts, promise. it's kittens and puppies all the way in my thoughts.

one can only imagine what mr spanky gets up to behind closed doors when he does find someone who's interested. clearly he's been a very naughty boy. perhaps that's why he's looking for a jolly good spanking.

take it sleazy, mr spanky.