monday toon

christmas fuckers

uncharacteristically this post has absolutely nothing to do with penises, vagina's, dating, breasts or sex. sorry.

if you're a horny little toad rather scroll down to this post over here about penis dolls.

forget father xmas and carol cd's set to repeat in shopping malls, this is how i know what time of year it is.

these little fuckers start flying around.

well they're not really fuckers, of all the bugs they're my favourite. them and lady birds.

christmas beetles or 'anoplognathus' if you want to be posh, come around once a year. now. then they screw each other like mad, lay their eggs in the soil in your garden and die pretty soon after. it takes the larvae a year or so to develop and voila, next year's little christmas diary reminders are born.

don't you think they make the most unique noise ever?

the second you hear one flying around you know what time of year it is and you instantly have an empty bank account and put on five kilos, it must be christmas.

online dating don'ts

i often talk about the guys that i come across on the dating website, but it's not very often that we chat about what the girls are up to online.

i suppose that's probably because i'm not really looking to date girls. breasts and a vagina do nothing for me, i have a set of those already.

but that's no reason why we can't check out a couple of chicks online. see what the competition is up to.

like this one for example...

she doesn't actually have a big white blob for a face, i put that there to protect her identity.

so like i said, being a girl myself i'm not 100% sure what the guys on this site are actually looking for, although i'm starting to get a pretty good idea.

boys correct me if i'm wrong, but maybe it's not the best idea to use your wedding photograph as your profile picture on a dating website. or am i misguided and guys actually dig that kind of thing?

i wonder if she's divorced already (that was quick). or maybe she's still married and is just looking for a little something on the side?

either way, i think it's a little wierd. thoughts anyone?

devil's dictionary - 'J' is for not much really

my favourite man from the 1800's is ambrose bierce. partly because he wrote the devil's dictionary, but mainly because i think he's kind of hot and like i've said before, he really knows how to rock that mo.

see, told you.

so we've made as far as the jays.
this is what my boyfriend, mr bierce, has to say about j. (so far it's the only letter that he's prefaced with a comment - so i'm guessing as far as letters go he kind of likes this one.)

he says:

'J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel - nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a latin verb, jacere 'to throw', because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape.'

if you say so mr bierce. so 'j' is for...

jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

jester, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household whose business it was to amuse the court, attired absurdly. the king himself being attired with dignity. it took the world some centuries to discover that the king's own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.

jews-harp, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.

justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

and then i turned the page, but that's all he wrote. so here endeth the jays! not the most prolific letter. the 'J' was obviously too busy running around a park throwing stones at dogs to come up with more words. although if i was ambrose bierce i would have definitely tossed a big fat 'j' is for joint in there somewhere.

see you soon for the kays, okay?

wigs for cats

sometimes every now and then something comes along that just makes everything ok.

- paying taxes.

- being smsed pictures of strange men's penises.

- dating men who refuse to use cutlery.

all these hard things in life can be cancelled out instantly by just one small other thing. like this thing i am about to show you now.

a lady named Julie Jackson woke up one day and decided that she loved her cat, Boone so much that she would design a series of wigs, specially for him (as one does). and that's exactly what she did.

here are some of them modelled by boone the cat and some of his friends.

wigs for cats. why didn't i think of that?

boone's friend: dude boone, i thought you said we were going to chase mice today.

boone: we will, later. first just sit there and wear this.

boone's friend: boone are you sure nobody will see these. i feel like a twat!

boone: of course, i promise. trussssst me, i'm a persian.

i must admit old kitty cat looks a little pissed off in that one. not sure i can blame him though. what self respecting persian boy cat wears a pink wig? (OMG! apologies Prussia and Pea, aparently this is a burmese, not a persian!)

here he's more curious, like he's thinking por quoi? are you insane Julie Jackson?

and speaking of which, where's the fricking tuna steak you promised me if i sat still in this fricking thing?

and then after a while the cats seem to just kind of get resigned to their fate.

either that or he's been stuck down onto that red thing with a roll of double sided tape.

or they've been given drugs, that's another potential explanation for such surprisingly still sitting cats.

is it just me or does this red one look like an asian prostitute or a transvestite or something?

yeah, claws are out now.

in cat's mind: if that julie jackson lady just comes one inch closer i'm gonna slash her in her human face.

ooooh boy, it's so funny i laughed till i weed a bit, and milk came out of my nose, which is wierd cos i wasn't drinking any milk at the time. Julie Jackson over at kittywigs.com i don't know what your parents and siblings did to you when you were a little girl, but man am i grateful that they fucked you up enough for you to come up with this. it's priceless!

the penis doll.

when i was young(er) our family moved house once.


in the new house somebody found an old box of junk that the previous owners had obviously left behind in the back of a cupboard, it was pretty much a bunch of old crap. a spatula, some old clothes and toys and this old doll, dressed in a dodgy seventies style blue velour pants suit.









nothing much happened for a while after that. most of my siblings had already left home and i was at Camps Bay (i'm so) High School, so i wasn't really into dolls.


but for some reason we kept 'Lucy' around.


then at some point my sisters all went and had a bunch of babies and one day when one of the toddlers was visiting my mom pulled out 'Lucy' the dolly for the baby to play with. and that's when we discovered this:









it turns out creepy Lucy is packing.

a penis and some balls to be precise.

wierd and very creepy. i didn't know they made anatomically correct dolls. my barbie and kens always had smooth plastic crotches. i've never actually come across a doll that was packing like a calvin klein model.

and why a penis and balls on a clearly girl dolly? the people who owned the house before us must have been a bunch of freaks.

my sister's toddler is going to need some serious therapy one day. there's no way one can answer all the questions that come out of a toddler who has seen this kind of thing, without a degree.

so i was at my parent's house this last weekend and i saw that all these years later they still have Lucy, (s)he sits in the guest bedroom, on the bed, in his/her blue velour pants suit, penis, balls and all.

83 year old mr green, their most recent house guest and occupant of the guest room must have some stories to tell back home in knysna.

although if he actually undressed Lucy the dolly at some point during his stay and saw what's down there, he's got some bigger issues.

it's one way to avoid return visits by house guests i suppose.

one-liner larry.

ok so i've been promising to post 'one-liner larry' since last week, but on thursday i was too hungover to do anthing other than drool into my keyboard, and on friday i had an online dating crisis. so here we go - 'one-liner larry' at last.

unfortunately it's gone and built itself up, when really it's just an ordinary post. don't you hate it when that happens?


so i'm visiting the dating website and i come across an interesting looking profile: seemingly normal guy. right age, looks good on paper. so i decide i'm going to be all modern about it and drop him a quick mail. nothing hectic, just a friendly and polite hello and a brief introduction.

doing all this takes a bit of thought. what i wrote wasn't a particularly long or complicated mail, but you want to introduce yourself and come across as interesting and funny - and you know what they say about first impressions.

then i sent it.

this is what i got back:

(it says 'I'm interested so far. Tell me more about yourself.' - seriously next time bring your specs.)

this is one of my pet hates. just in case you've never tried online dating yourself, let me fill you in.

the dating website has something called 'one liners'. which are a series of existing 'one liners' that you can choose from a dropdown menu if you don't feel like writing your own mail. or if you want to politely blow someone off.

they say things like:


(i've transcribed a few below for the specsless.)

'I'm very busy right now, but i'll get back to you soon.'

'I'm focusing on conversations that have already started.'

'Thanks but i don't think we're right for each other.'

'I can't respond as i'm not subscribed yet.'

i'm cool to get politely blown off with a 'thanks but i don't think we're right for each other' one liner, hell i've practically worn that button out on my keyboard. But that '...tell me more about yourself' one drives me crazy. fricken cheek! don't you think? i go to all the effort of finding the guy, thinking of something nice and interesting to say, and i have the guts to send it off, and all i get back is a one liner. one that he didn't even bother to write himself!

and the further cheek of it is that his royal highness is interested in me so far, but would like me to divulge more of myself to him so that he can decide whether or not i'm nice enough for him to put his royal finger to keyboard and actually speak to me himself. what, was my initial mail not informative enough for you? what is this, a fricken job interview? and where's the reciprocation here, i'll show you mine if you show me yours and all.

well screw you mr lazy rude pants! if you're not interested that's one thing, but if you are, that's no way to impress a girl! not this one anyway.

what is the world's worst swear word?

i generally try not to simply copy and paste stuff, but this is too good not to share. i just can't help myself.

Yesterday that lovely boy - @FuziJuzi tweeted a link to a column by jon ronson on the guardian uk website. I think it's one of the funniest things i've ever read.

so i've copied and pasted it below for your viewing pleasure.

thank you jon ronson for making me laugh out loud and almost pee mah pants.
i then proceeded to read it repeatedly to the poor long-suffering colleagues who sit around me.

let me reitterate here, i didn't write a word of this, the purple article below is copied and pasted directly from here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2007/jul/28/weekend.jonronson

'I'm going to tell my son the worst swearword in the world'
(by jon ronson)

My eight-year-old son, Joel, comes into my office to ask if there's a worse swearword than fuck. "No," I say.
There's a silence. "You're lying," he says.
"There's none worse than fuck," I say.
Joel narrows his eyes. "I know you're lying," he says. He leaves the room.
On Saturday I take Joel to Chessington World of Adventures. What a crappy theme park! None the less, we have a wonderful day together.
"You're a great dad!" Joel says as we drive home.
"And you're a great son!" I reply with a magical twinkle.
We smile lovingly at each other.
"There is a worse swearword than fuck, isn't there?" says Joel.
"Yes, there is!" I say, still with a magical twinkle.
"What is it?" asks Joel.
"It's c..." I begin. I stop. "Uh," I say.
"Tell me," says Joel. "I swear this is just for me. I'll never use it. I just need to know. I will never use it on anyone. I swear. Just tell me."
I feel clammy and hemmed in. "And you won't tell Mum we had this conversation?" I say.
"I promise," says Joel. "Mum will never know."
There's a silence. "I can't tell you," I say.
"Tell me," says Joel.
"I can't," I say.
"Then why did you almost tell me?" Joel yells.
"Because I wasn't thinking responsibly!" I yell. "I was swept up in the magic of the moment."
"You have to tell me," Joel says. "It's only fair."
"Uh," I say. "I, uh... I..."
I look around the car. For some reason we have an old can of Italian lemonade down on the floor.
"It's limone," I say.
There's a silence.
"Limone?" says Joel.
"That's the worst swearword of all," I say. "Limone. But I'm holding you to your promise that you will never use it. OK? Never."
"Limone?" says Joel. He seems disappointed.
"There's nowhere to go after limone," I say. "Limone is the Everest peak of swearing."
Joel looks out of the window.
"You know," I say, wisely, "sometimes the mystery is better than the knowing, wouldn't you say? Sometimes the journey is better than the destination. Anyway, don't tell Mum."
We reach the house. Joel rushes inside.
"Mum!" he yells. "Dad told me the worst swearword of all! I know what it is! Limone!"
My wife, Elaine, appears at the top of the stairs, an inscrutable expression on her face. I shrug, anxiously.
A month passes. We go for a weekend away. At the hotel, a boy on a tricycle crashes into Joel.
"Limone," mutters Joel under his breath.
Another month passes. Joel has a friend round for a sleepover. At 11pm I hear them talking. They're saying, "Limone" in awed whispers.
"I feel terrible about this," I say to Elaine. "I've tricked my own son. I'm going to tell him that limone isn't a swearword, and is in fact the Italian word for lemon." I pause. "I'm going to tell him the actual worst swearword in the world."
"You are not!" says Elaine.
"I'd rather he was foul-mouthed and accurate than see him like this," I say. "All because of my stupid, stupid slip of the tongue in the car on the way back from Chessington World of Adventures."
"You are not going to tell Joel the worst swearword in the world!" Elaine yells.
And so I don't.
Today, Joel comes into my office. "Hi," he says.
"Hi," I say.
There's a silence.
"Anyway, I'll see you later," says Joel. He goes to leave. Then he turns around.
"Oh," he says. "Cunt."

dating website crisis!

oh shit i'm having a dating website crisis!

'one-liner larry' will have to wait till next week, this is important:


this is what was waiting for me when i checked in to see if anyone might be interested in getting to know me, maybe go on a date, perhaps unbeknownst to themselves, get written about.

there was this guy. um 61 years old! an ex minister, recently divorced, probably a grandfather.

really? seriously? really?

imaginary conversation i had with him:

me: but i'm 35.

him: what?

me: i said, i'm only 35 years old.

him: what did you say?

me: (shouting now) turn up your fricken hearing aid, i said i'm only 35 years old, i don't think i can date you!

him: that's a pity, i have a two-for-one coupon for the early bird special at wimpy.

me: that is a pity, they do make good coffee.

then i kid you not, after grampa this was the other option sitting waiting for me:

a 23 year old!

is this some kind of sick joke?

what happened to all the 35 - 49 year-olds? aren't you all supposed to be getting divorced and having midlife crises around about now? making you desperate to meet a clever, funny 35 year old (me) and take them (me) out and have lots of sex and a good time and stuff? what the hell?

if it's some kind of karmic joke - ha ha very funny.

Mr Jesus Christ, i'm sorry i teased you on your birthday, sir, now please can i have my 35 - 49 year-olds back?

the morning after

THE CRITIC: i think there was something in the wine last night?
ME: what? like more wine?
THE CRITIC: no, like gin or something.
ME: yeah you're right, those bastards went and put alcohol in the wine! we should sue!

hangover.

the team had a rather too awesome dinner with 'brave client' last night. so i'm feeling a little hungover this morning. which means this post will probably be:

1. short
2. irrelevant
3. thirsty (what the fuck, did i not drink enough last night?)

i was planning on posting about this dickwad 'one-liner larry', from the dating website, but my brain is too big for my head this morning and it feels like it's oozing out of my ears so that will have to wait till tomorrow.

so i have a question for all of you, i'm kind of sorted on my own dating rules, but what's the vibe with setting people up? i've never done it before. but last night when i was about four and a half johnnie walker blacks in, i suddenly had a brainwave (as one does) about two people i know who i think would make a good match.

what's the rule here?
step away from the bad idea?
or
give it a go?

and if i foolishly decide to give it a go (let's be honest here, what are the chances it will actually go well, and they won't both end up resenting me?) what's the best way to do it?

advice please.

oh and nurofen.

advice and nurofen, that's what's needed this morning.

facebook fail.

i'm a big fan of the status update on facebook. particularly the inappropriate status update.

what a stellar invention. it's right up there with peanut butter and tomato on toast (don't say gross if you haven't tried it, seriously, it's awesome!)


this was the first awesome status update i wrote about here:







i've since come across a bunch of others that rock!



it's genius, take a generation of functioning illiterates and tell them to write about their lives in one sentence or less, you couldn't make this shit up (unless you were on a lot of crack).

nice one darby. yay here's to graduating in 2013. or not.

ouch.

it's a little small so i'll transcribe: 'I never hear from you, so I am cuttin back on my facebook friends. Sorry, but you are busy anyway. Did John tell you that Sarah had been murdered. Hope your family is well.'

um. ok. tact not james' strong point. i dont' know about you, but that's how i like my earth shattering news delivered! oh and hope your family is well.

christ on a flipping bike, scott - it's 'threw' not 'through' buy a dictionary! or wait, maybe not being able to spell isn't your biggest problem right now.

also i love how tom just comes right out with it!

i just heard today via @khayadlanga that 'unfriend' is oxford dictionary's word of the year this year. here's my official translation:

unfriend - v, what Scott will be doing to Tom tomorrow.

bet Nikki made lots of new friends after this one.

wahahahahahahaha she's 'Durnk' - liberace and elvis can hear me laughing from here!

the devil's dictionary - 'i' is for...

in this movember month of moustaches, nobody rocks that mo better than ambrose bierce.

see i wasn't lying. rocking mo dude.

for those of you who have been stuck in polsmoor for the last 2 - 5, with group showers and without internet access, ambrose was around in 1817 when he wrote 'the devil's dictionary'. we're at the 'i's' already. sorry but the world doesn't come to a halt just cos you got bust for drug trafficking!

in case you missed them here are the A's, B's, C's, D's, E's, Ef's, G's and more recently the H's.

so we're onto the i's, the only dirty words i can think of starting with an 'i' are...

nope i've got nothing for you... um igloo, hardly a dirty word... iiiii... nope still nothing. let's see what mr bierce can do:

I, pron - I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. the plural is said to be We, but how can there be more than one myself?

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but pervades and regulates the whole. He has the last word in everything.

Idleness, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

Imbecility, n. A kind of divine inspiration or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.

Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Indiscretion, n. The guilt of woman.

Influence, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exhange for a substantial quid.

Ink, n. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them.

Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

Inventor, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Irreligion, n. The princial one of the great faiths of the world.

well done ambrose, i still can't think of any decent dirty words starting with 'i' . maybe if i had a moustache like yours i would be smarter.

jackpot!

i just won the uk lottery. yup. all one million pounds of it! that's something like 15 million south african ronds.

i'm rich, i'm rich.

the email arrived in my inbox on thursday. somebody pop the champagne. what makes it even more amazing is that i never even entered. it's definitely meant to be.

all i have to do is send them all my banking details and my id number, phone numbers, addresses, two passport photos and a small to medium sized cash deposit (to cover the handling fees, of course) and then they'll deposit the money into my account asap. how lucky am i?

so all this got me thinking about how i should resign, now that i'm filthy stinking rich and i never have to work again. oy pass me another margerita.

one of my favourite people, 'dummy' (don't worry, it's a term of endearment) sent me this:

i love the email address: smokecock@yourexpense.com

i'm considering it as a possible resignation route. i just need to decide whether to do it now, or wait till the money clears.

sunday bloody sunday

that was the weekend that was.

'it's a cartoon about drunk people, where do i sign up?'

this one is entitled: 'the weekend cycle - why don't we learn?'

thanks juz. have a good rest of sunday, team.

doobie doobie doobie doo

words are cool. sorry to be such a nerd, but they are.


i'm not particularly musical, in fact i'm more standard grade with all of that. a musical laggard. but i still get off on lyrics sometimes, that's just the word nerd in me.

i heard some cool lyrics today:

'i used to be love drunk, now i'm hungover'.
('Love Drunk' by Boys Like Girls)

nice, right? clever.

then there's this classic bit of non-genius to remind us that not all rhyming lyrics are good lyrics:

'I don't want to see a ghost,
It's a sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news

CHORUS:

Life, oh life, oh life,

oh life,

doo, doot doot dooo.

Life, oh life, oh life,

oh life,

doo, doot dooo'

'life' by Des'ree -I don't want to see a ghost, i'd rather have a piece of toast. slow day at the piano Des'ree? (why the apostrophe, is something missing in the middle there? like is it really deslisaree? and should one pronounce it 'Dezreeeee'?)

back to the higher grade lyrics. i think these ones by weezer are amazing:

'You make me come,

you make me complete,

you make me completely miserable.'

pretty cool

(unless you're the girl they're singing about, then not so cool.

unless you're that girl and it's your aim to make boys miserable, then cool again.)

i'm fishing for lyrics today. anyone out there want to punt any other cool/uncool ones?

paige intends to vote for several cornflakes.

you know how i like a clever smarty pants, right? well 'jimmysixbellies' is a new genius who we get to ask if we can kiss on the lips.


he made this cool website - it's a facebook status generator.


too bored, uninspired, tired, stoned, busy snorting cocaine off a stripper's tits to write your own status update today?

no problem, just click one button and jimmysixbellies will generate a random status update for you. like this one:




or this one:






and once you've generated your no fuss status update, just click another button and jimmysixbellies will personall stroll over and post it onto your facebook/twitter page for you. wham bam, thank you sexy 23 year old.



his generator looks like this:






here are a few more of the updates generated by some of jimmysixbellie's lazy but happy customers:

according to the generator here are my next few status updates:

a million miles from normal intends to vote for several cornflakes.

a million miles from normal smokes your uncle's openings.

a million miles from normal covets pugnacious gizmos

a million miles from normal feels ambivalent toward tumescent armadillos

a million miles from normal might be coming down with a touch of psychopathic cheeses

funnily enough, all true. this jimmysixbellies is more a mind reader than a status update generator!

i love your work jimmysixbellies.

welcome 'purple grimace'

from now on i think i'm going to welcome each new follower personally.

it feels like the right thing to do.

so hello there purple grimace, thanks for stopping by and sparking this idea, clink, have a virtual whiskey, it's on me.

apologies if you're already a follower and you missed your own illustrated personal welcome.

that sucks. you must feel hard done by. i'll try make it up to you, promise.

secret flavour

there are some major differences between boys and girls.

some are more obvious.

like: boys have penises, girls have brains.
or
girls have boobs, boys don't know how to listen.

and then there are the more subtle differences.

take 'doomo' for example. he's a very lovely but typical brand of boy who sits behind me at work.
the other day at around 3pm he went in for a bit of an afternoon snack, as he does. a packet of chip type things.

he pretty much inhaled them, so by the time i got there the packet was empty.

exhibit a:


apologies for the laggard pics.

'secret flavour' chips. really? the flavour is a secret? that's just wierd. i may be wrong but i don't think a girl would ever buy secret flavour chips.

is the flavour a secret to the manufacturer? did someone find a jar of flavour without a label and nobody could guess what it tasted like so they just labelled it secret?

or do they know what it is but they want to keep it a secret from the consumer. and why? why would they do that? what's the marketing strategy behind that?

it just doesn't make any sense to me at all. how can you crave something that's a secret?

when i hear the words 'secret flavour' i instantly wonder if they're something wierd like feet or toe flavoured.

i really can't imagine buying anything like that. or am i just being a girl about it?

pity he'd already finished them so i can't even describe the flavour to you even if i had had the guts to try them. so as per the manufacturers wishes, how they taste remains forever a secret.

make something cool every day

this is called: 'overly underwhelmed'

which is the exact opposite of how i feel about this guy's website.

one word (that isn't even a real word): awesomeness

so here's the vibe: smarty pants guy makes something cool every day and posts it on his blog.

it's simple genius.

here's some of his stuff. (the purple type are his words)

this is: bumper stickers for shoes

repeat after me in a high pitched voice: awesome!

'April Fools Day: I decided to play a prank on the local chickadees, sparrows and cardinals that thrive in my backyard. birdhouse with the entrance painted-on.'

he he he images of poor innocent birds flying into the black spot thinking it's a hole make me roll around on the floor laughing my ass off. april fools sparrow!

'fencing'

like duh, why didn't i think of that?

his stuff is sometimes random, sometimes genius, sometimes odd, but always cool. just like the name says.

'decowpitation'

'under things in my refrigerator'

the next few are from a series named: 'born with googly eyes'.

'collette - born with googly eyes'

'peanut - born with googly eyes'

poor peanut.

and this is 'paul - born with googly eyes' - i'm not sure but i think this is him.

i love a helvetica joke. (or is it an helvetica joke?)

'fatal paper airplane crash.'

thank you 'make something cool every day'. you make my day cool every day.