devil's dictionary - 'G' is for ghostie

i love my devi's dictionary which Ambrose Bierce wrote back in 1881. i know that's a fricken long time ago! and it's still cool! amazing! exclamation mark!


so if you've been off smoking mandrax with a toothless hooker in a crack den in mannenberg and you missed the previous posts, we're already onto the 'g's'. an oddly apt letter considering halloween is coming up - all the ghouls and ghosts.


Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.


Geographer, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside.


Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.


Ghoul, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the dead.


Gnu, n. An animal which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thuderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.


Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.


short and sweet, the 'g's'. or rather, gort and gweet.

TMI on your facebook status update?

apologies, sometimes i have the sense of humour of a 12 year old. but status updates rock. especially ones that give juuuust a little too much information.

thanks for this 'mr chicken'. please promise you'll still email me funny stuff, even when you're no longer sitting behind me eating chicken, sneaking up on me and borrowing my thesaurus and stop watch. you will be missed.

how old am eye?

it turns out i need glasses!

does this mean i'm getting old?

it doesn't help that i work in advertising. it's such a young industry. i mean the average age of the dudes in the general vacinity of my desk is like 22.


one plays in a band called 'Captain Stu' for fuck's sake.


none of them even remember lady di's wedding - most of them weren't born yet when it happened!

and ask them who killed jr and they'll look at you blankly.

'red' a kick-ass young art director once innocently asked me if i was the same age as her mom!

it's ok, don't feel sorry for me. i'm used to it.

on a separate although entirely related note, if you live in cape town and you need to get your eyes tested, go to Vision View at the lifestyle centre on kloof street. they're very cool and they have an amazing spot.

danielle is the clever eye lady there and she's got this machine that take a picture of the inside of your eyeballs (they don't look anything like the inside of a marble, just in case you were wondering).

her and her fabulous assistant laaiqah won't make you feel old, promise. even though if you have to go get your eyes tested, like i did, it's probably because you're getting on a little.

free stuff

this is chuck palahniuk.




no don't try to pronounce it. it will only make you feel frustrated.

aside from having killer lamb chops, chuck's also an author. he wrote 'fight club' before it was the uber cool movie, and a bunch of other cool books like choke, lullaby, diary, haunted, rant and snuff.

somehow i ended up with a brand new copy of one of his latest books, pygmy. i think 'prof p' gave it to me and i was supposed to bookcross it.




it's about a 13 year old exchange student (named pygmy) shipped to the us from his totalitarian homeland (made up place), to live in the midwest with a typical american family, who give him an over sized Jesus t-shirt and a tiny american flag. on a trip to walmart with his host family, he attempts to purchase assault rifles from an elderly walmart greeter, because he is planning something truly evil that has to do with sex and terrorism.



i'll be honest, i tried to read it, but i only got to page 27, i don't think i'm cool enough to 'get' it. but you might be.


so here's my own version of book crossing.


give us your best worst dating/sex/hectic story in the comments section below, it doesn't have to have happened to you, as long as it happened to someone you know. but better if it happened to you of course.

best story wins the book. I will make sure it's delivered right to your doorstep.

if your story is embarrassing feel free to write it under a pseudonym or 'anonymous' and when you win you can whisper in my ear who you are. i promise to retain your anonymity.

winner to be announced monday 2nd november.

ok, go:

of geniuses and butterflies

so i was at this place yesterday doing some stuff and i walked past this guy's computer and this was his desktop pattern.

if you don't think it's awesome then you should see someone. seriously. call a doctor right now. here's my doctor's number just in case you don't have one of your own: 021 4395852. it's dr waynik. tell him you saw this image and it didn't make you feel anything. he'll know what to do.

so i introduced myself to the guy on the computer. (luke) and asked him where he got this illustration of awesomeness and he guided me straight to the internetweb.

here are some different colour versions and a close up of the illie, so you can get a good look.

anyway, i like it so much i posted it to my blog.

it turns out luke likes it so much he got it tatooed on his arm.

luke, that's just a level of commitment i can't live up to. but does it help if i tell you that i really really like it a lot. really. a lot.

so it was designed by this guy - Jason Byron Nelson. who has enough talent for you and me and your sister and all your mates combined even the crazy one with all the piercings.

thank you luke. it was lekker to meet you. and thank you jason byron nelson. you rock.

in other news, it's friday!

online dating's uglier step sister.

ok, so i generally visit just the one online dating site, but i recently came across a banner ad for another online dating website that i've never heard of before. i really hope it's big enough below for you to see:

is it just me or does anyone else find it odd that there's this little disclaimer down here by these red arrows i made? it says:

'Pictures may not be of actual members.'

wierd right?

to me that says hey boys come over here and meet these girls. look there's this one, Sandy2568, she's curvy and likes long walks on the beach.

or there's this one, KatieFun789, she's athletic and fun and wants to massage your shoulders when you get home from work and give you blow jobs on the couch.

or hey, look over here, there's this one, Rosa92, she's slim but not in that anorexic way that makes you worry that she's going to go vomit up that R120 steak you just bought her.

and then riiiiiight at the bottom in teensy tiny little type they say: you see all these pretty girls, well you can't actually meet these ones, but please do come over to our website and check out some of their uglier sisters.

or have i just been in advertising too long?

american apparel - FAIL

is it just me, or are people just fucking nuts?

i mean, completely out of their heads crazy?

this is the perfect post to follow up our photoshop disasters post. welcome to 'un-photoshopped disasters'.

i was checking out 'texts from last night', the blog i wrote about a couple of days ago. it's pretty amazing, in fact, it's such a popular blog that companies pay good money to advertise on it.

while there i came across a rather fancy ad. it's not just your run of the mill static image with a headline and a logo. oh no, this one is a little more sophisticated. it's actually a moving advertisement. it's made up of three separate rotating images. and so first you see the one, then it fades into the next image, and then finally to the last frame which reveals the logo. and then the entire thing repeats. you get my drift?

since i'm a laggard i have no clue how to copy and paste the animated piece, so you'll have to do with stills and use the part of your imagination that files your taxes, to picture the images rotating. here we go:

FRAME ONE:

FRAME TWO:

and lastly the people who brought you the ad and want you to buy their product:

FRAME THREE:

seriously! really american apparel? really?

what's up with the tan line? (don't even get me started on the hooker/model) you went to all that trouble to take the photographs, animate them, and paid good money to buy the advertising space and you couldn't spend five minutes retouching out her tan line?

did you run out of time? think we wouldn't notice? not know how to use photoshop? stop to scratch your balls and forget what you were doing? what happened here?

really? dudes at american apparel, hang your heads in shame. you don't deserve to sell any of your trailer park malibu swimsuit/bodysuits. not one!

if you want to see the ad for yourself, it's over here, or at least it was at the time this was posted. i can't guarantee it will still be there when you go look.

Jonathan G. Parker is a dumb fuck!

so this chick comes home to discover that she's been burgled, right? and of course she's very upset, things have been strewn around, diamond rings have been stolen, usual burlgar activity.

but then she notices that facebook is open on her computer, and she thinks - that's funny, i haven't been on facebook today, and she looks a bit closer and sees that the burglar, between sifting through her valuables and checking her fridge for anything nice to snack on, has used her computer to log onto his facebook page.

while there he probably poked a few friends, 'liked' a couple of things and changed his status update (maybe to something quirky, like Jonathan G. Parker is robbing someone, cos that's just the way he rolls.)

but of course, before leaving the scene of the crime he's gone and forgotten to log out.

nice one jon!

so the police found him and arrested him and if he's convicted he could get up to ten years in prison. bet there's no facebook there.

don't believe me? you can find the story here.

thanks to steveolenski and ElishaNYC who alerted me to this great little gem of a story on twitter.

texts from last night

my friend 'hot art director' has a favourite website, and it's fast becoming one of my favourite websites. (i think it's an i-phone app too)

it's called 'texts from last night'.

i think we've all done our fair share of 'late night, boozed up, dodgy text sending' at some point, am i right?

close sister to that is the sending of the 'late night, boozed up, dodgy text to the wrong person by mistake', yeah you know that one too.

what made me like this site even more (like i needed another reason) is because it has a pay off line, and being in advertising i like a good pay off line. theirs goes like this:

texts from last night.
remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? we do.

it's no 'just do it', but still.

so basic premise: people (or their friends) send in their (or their friends) dodgy texts from last night.
you can vote on each text - whether it's a 'best night' or a 'worst night', and then get this, you can order the t-shirt!

here are a few, some of them are seriously classic.

text: i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
response: dude...come out of the closet already

text: I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.

text: I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.


text: We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer

(wahahahah this is one of my favourites, i'm thinking of getting the t-shirt. adonis, this one's for you.)

text: This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.

shame, i'm guessing this one's a 'bad night text'.


text: I'M GETTING MARRIED!
response: YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!


text: Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.


text: i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal


text: you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..

OWWWW! seriously. dude. that's hectic. man, i'm almost sorry i posted this one. almost.


text: just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?

text: dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived

text: tonight, alcohol would be proud of us

ok, there's just time for a few more, then i've got to get to work. there are millions of these things. i might have to make this a regular feature.

text: Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

what my response would have been: hey guy, run away, run awaaaay! either that or marry her, depends what you're looking for.

text: So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how to take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.

text: i just came from walking.
response: haha you just came from walking?


text: can u get pink eye on your cock?
wahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha

you couldn't make this shit up. thanks 'hot art director', i love ya.

and to the rest of you dodgy late night text senders, party on.

in which juz gets food poisoning

happy hangover sunday.

here's to hardegat monday.

ps: more of these, here.

i like a company that can multi-task.

devil's dictionary - 'F' is for thank fuck it's friday

thank you ambrose bierce for your delicious descriptions from 1842.


Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.


Female, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.


Fib, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth.


Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.


Finance, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager.


Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.


Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow.


Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.


Frog, n. A reptile with edible legs.


Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.


ah ambrose bierce you cynical old fucker, i do love you.

photoshop disasters

after the lady with the moustache post over here, i got to thinking about bad comping and why people do it, which reminded me of one of my favourite blogs called photoshop disasters.

this genius of a guy posts bad comp jobs on his blog with funny comments. it's some crazy shit. here are some of my favourite photoshop disasters from his site.

i don't know which is scarier, the fact that there's a wierd hand on his shoulder or the fact that this picture out of a newspaper article is actually of a mother and son?

there's another wierd hand thing going on over here.

and talking about wierd hands, why does jennifer lopez' baby have one sticking out of the his forehead? creepy.

nice braai guy. what a chop!

look, someone's holding his hand. maybe he likes to take his girlfriend with him where ever he goes. or rather, just her hand or maybe she's just so thin we can't see her.

one eye looking at you, and the other one looking for you.

MODEL: my thumb, my thumb, someone cut off my thumb. call an ambulance. i'm bleeding.

OTHER PERSON: um no. look at your hand, see, you still have a thumb, they did that in photoshop.

MODEL: oh. phew.

nice one wii, don't worry, nobody will ever suspect those animals weren't all actually there.

alright, who put the crack in Paula Deen's coffee?

i suppose with boobs like that they thought nobody would be looking at her hands.

ummmm, dear garnier. i don't understand this shot. how did she balance on one finger and one toe? is it two shots perhaps, one girl's legs and another girl's head and shoulders? it's just wierd and creepy. nice tan though!

thanks mr photoshop disasters, your blog is awesome.

it's nice that.

although i could probably do without the stuffed animal thingamabob (what the hell is that?) in the back there. unless it's just standing very very still, then it can stay.

graffiti wisdom

being late for work also exists. gotta run. have a nice tuesday please.

car chase update

lots of people asking, so i thought i'd update.

i sat on the phone, being passed around and on hold for constable bond for 34 minutes yesterday, then gave up. haven't seen anything in any of the newspapers either.

so maybe everyone lived happily ever after?

dead body saturday.

so i'm driving along de waal drive on the weekend, when the guy driving next to me in a turquoise uno slows right down to about 20 kays an hour, leans over, opens his passenger door and kicks a body out of his car! couldn't see if it was dead or alive.

serious. not a word of this is a lie.

so me and the only other car on the road, a white golf with GP plates and three guys in it take chase. ok wait, i didn't really take chase, it's just they were all going in the same direction i was already going in, and the uno didn't go very fast, so it was more like the white golf took chase, and i carried on going where i was going, and just happened to have the uno and golf just in front of me the whole time.

funny, thinking about it now, none of us stopped to check on the body...
(by the time i realised what he had actually tossed out the car i was already around the bend and 500m away, and there's nowhere to pull over and it's a one way, so no turning around either. the only choice was to forge on - just to clarify, so you don't think me a complete heartless coward for not stopping to check for a pulse. i called 10111 for an ambulance, does that make up for it?)

anyway, so the uno is driving erratically, pretending to take a turnoff, then changing his mind at the last minute to try fox us. but we kept on him. the joburg guys did some screaming and hooting, i did some minor swearing and attempted number plate remembering.

a couple of kays before the airport the joburg guys spotted a highway patrol cop car, and we all started hooting and shouting and flashing lights. one of the joburg guys heroically hung out his window and caught the cops attention.

the cops pulled over the uno.

joburg guys then all piled out of their car, screaming and shouting the story at the cops. the uno murderer (as i like to call him) stayed in his vehicle. the cops pulled weapons.

i pulled over and leopoard crawled along the side of the highway, using the cars as cover. gave one of the cops my business card, told him i saw it all and i was happy to be a witness, and then i leopard crawled back to my car, then i drove off. fast.

it's not that i'm a coward, i just generally try to avoid bullet holes.

i haven't heard anything since.

the not knowing what the whole story is, is almost worse than if i had gotten shot.

anyone else come across a dead or otherwise incapacitated body on de waal drive this weekend? i'd love to know what happened.

the devil's dictionary - 'E' is for erotica

welcome to another post from the devil's dictionary.


the d's were cool, what with douchebag and doggie style and dagga and all, but now we're on to the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's

here goes:

Eat, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication.

Eavesdrop, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catlogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.

Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

Egotist, n. A person of low tast, more interested in himself than in me.

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the colour that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Envelope, n. The coffin of a document; the scabard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

thank you mr ambrose bierce you 1800's rock star. next...

the 'f' words.

in celebration of monday.

you know when you've had a big weekend, and then you're just busy assessing your hangover when you suddenly get smacked in the face with the realisation that it's sunday and the fun's almost over and you're going to have to pull yourself towards yourself pretty soon?

well, in celebration of tomorrow being monday 'n all, i thought this Juz, Jax & El cartoon was relevant.

it's entitled:

'Juz decided not to attend life this monday.'

here are my first adventures with Juz, Jax & El, just in case you were off doing tik in mannenberg last time i posted about it.

and here's another funny one. just coz. (with all you other sunday hangovers in mind.)

'The morning after the night before:'

james christopher rocks.

james christopher, i bet if you tried, you could walk on water.

i was surfing the net, and i ffffound this guy. his name is james christopher, he lives in LA and he's a photographer of epic proportions.

he took this, my new blog title picture, and most favourite thing in the whole wide world right now, even more so than shoes:



i just never want to stop looking at it.

he lives here.

here are a few more. just because they're too amazing not to share, and i suppose it is artsy fartsy friday after all. (you would think that as a writer, i might have come up with a better name for 'artsy fartsy friday', but no, sorry that's it.)

i don't know about you, but i photograph my private parts at the dairy farm all the time.

oh and remember that time we all went out to the desert and sat naked in old armchairs?

no seriously, man i love them.

well, that makes my friday happy. i hope yours is too.

(aside: i've decided, i'm going to phone that lazer hair removal place in the post below a little later today. i just have too many questions i need answered. i'll let you know what they say.)

women with moustaches

I kid you not, this is for real!


the ad below is exactly as it appeared in the newspaper. the critic found it and cut it out and gave it to me, and i rolled around on the floor laughing for about an hour, then i thanked her forty times and scanned it straight in as is.

i'm almost lost for words. almost.

so many questions arise from this i almost don't know where to start.

does that girl really have a moustache like that or did they comp it in?

or did they stick a fake one onto her for the shoot?

if they stuck a fake one on or comped it in, you'd think they might go for something a little more realistic, don't you? like a pencil thin moustache, instead of the magnum they've whacked on there!

and then why make her pose like that, all sexy-like with her thick man's moustache?

and what's that on 'her' knee?

just so many unanswered questions.

i went to their website to do some research and see if there were any more photos of our russian friend.

Apparently they charge R300 a session for upper lip hair removal. you'd think they'd charge different ammounts, depending on the ladie's style.

like if she has a goatee it should be more like R500, and one of those curly handlebar ones would be about a grand to remove i reckon, a neat pencil thin one could still be R300, and i'd say about R900 for a full magnum like this one.

it's just a classic. i mean women with moustaches, is there anything funnier? and seriously folks, if that's her for real, and if that's what's going on upstairs, one can only imagine what's happening downstairs in the basement, if you get my drift?

ffffound online.

i ffffound this online. i think elvis would like it, and i know helvetica would like it. and i really like it.

marketing geniuses!

'dummy' is a great friend of mine. he lives in durban. it's hot there.

anyway, i'm assuming dummy took this picture, because he likes to do things like that. and he's very good at it. either way, i stole it shamelessly and without permision off his facebook page and now i'm putting it here:





sorry dummy, but the devil made me do it.

what i love the most about this (even more than the amazing flash) is that you still feel like you're getting a fricken good deal here in this store. even though, well, really, you aren't!

internet dating time again

ok so just because i haven't written about the internet dating scene for a while, doesn't mean i haven't been out there getting to know some new fabulous freaks and lunatics.

the problem i find with many of the profiles i come across on the internet dating website is not that there's anything wrong with these guys. on the whole they seem like decent, relatively normal blokes. i just think a lot of them come online and make silly rookie mistakes.

like this guy:

he's uncut is he? that's something i might have waited till the end of the third date to find out about.

what about this guy:

ok so he loves 'EXSTREEM SPORTS' and shouting, a little less crazy about spelling as a hobby i see, but i can deal with that. but wait, what do we have here? turns out he's a dealer. hmmm, i wonder arms or drugs?

also big on 'love party,s' - keeper!

here's another one. this guy might also be a drug dealer. or a plumber. i'm not entirely sure what kind of crack he's referring to.

speaking of rookie mistakes:

a govt official.... reeeeeeaaaaaaalllly now. looking for a proffessional.... reeeheeheeeheeally!

and it's not just the blokes who've been known to make the odd rookie mistake.

hello ladies:

chick, is 'your parents will dig me' really what you want to lead with? you sure? i never really thought that was important to a guy, but hey, whatever works for you, right?

you "have lots friend i love and adore!!" - just the one friend then?

and finally:

not entirely sure what this lady is looking for, maybe a congregation? it seems she already has a boyfriend. her and this christ guy seem pretty tight.

so yeah, you see, they're not really bad people (except for maybe the govt. minister who's allergic to punctuation), i just don't think i can date any of them.

thanks to...

...thanks to the monumental doofuses at the SABC who decided to air a cricket match on SABC 3 tonight without warning, instead of the scheduled amazing race! here's a hint - play the sport on the sports channels, prickheads! it's not like you don't have enough to choose from. according to my clever friend miss middle goat there are 19 sports channels on offer. i mean are there even that many different types of sports?

you don't see us watching top chef on the rugby channel, or survivor on supersport 42, do you? no. never. we just wouldn't.

(thanks to 'anonymous' for rightly pointing out that SABC doesn't have any sports channels. oh. yes. you're right. they don't. i feel a bit bad now.
although a little warning they were canning amazing race might have been nice. maybe a gift. chocolates, or a little something?

also a special boy's channel on SABC seems like something they should consider, don't you think?)

a cartoon about drunk people? where do i sign up?

i am happier than a dog with two tails, or a south african man with a new power tool, to announce a brand new feature here at the blog place.

i recently stumbled across the most awesome of blogs. it's a series of cartoons based on the lives of three boozy housemates living in cape town. and i love it. i love it alot.

it's called juz, jax & el. and i believe you will love it too.

so here are a few, and i'll be posting them regularly. because it would just be wrong not to.

this is one he made about the sunday morning after the loeries:

i love that he's got stitches! wahahahahahahhaa.

har har this next one is funny. he made it when his two housemates went away on holiday and he was left on his own. cracks me up.

his blog is here. nice one juz, you are a clever thing on a clever day.