ok, heads up. i found someone new on the dating website that i want to introduce you to.
he is a 32 year old gemini. i’ve seen his picture. and if that's really him, this boy is smoking hot. i'm talking part Jude Law, part californian surfer guy, part calvin klein underwear model.
he’s an occasional drinker, a regular smoker, has some university education, is single with no kids, but wait what’s this? under income, this boy is stinking fucking rich. loaded, fat cat, retired, seriously wealthy, packing cash, previously advantaged.
now let’s look at his narratives:
why should you get to know ‘stinking-filthy-rich-loaded-hot-boy’?
uh duh? do you really need to ask? he’s hot and loaded, I mean really, what’s wrong with you lot? he shouldn’t have to fill in this part. but he did, which just goes to show, he’s humble too, right?
“why should you get to know fat-cat-loaded-wallet-boy?
because I am rich, good looking, clean and have a very high sex drive. I also like to have fun and have alot of free time on my hands to have it.
he describes his ideal match thus:
anyone who likes to have a good time and is not afraid to let loose and experiment with new things.”
then under the criteria for the kind of lady this lad is looking for, he’s put the following:
age – any
height – any
star sign – any
body type – any
looks – any
hair colour – any
ethnicity – any
languages – any
religeon – any
marital status – any
education – any
occupation – any
income – any
so let’s translate this: ridiculously young, good looking and fabulously rich guy who has too much time on his hands and particularly low standards, wishes to have all sorts of crazy monkey sex at any time of the day or night with any and all women. be they old, fat, disabled, married, in advertising, or even unable to speak english. the only prerequisite here, it seems is a pulse, and even then, i'm sure with all that money, if you didn't have one, he could always pick one up for you.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
i don't. unless...
i'm not a big fan of the wedding. and if i'm completely honest i don't really picture myself ever getting married. not in the traditional sense anyway. if somehow it ever came down to that, i'm more of a justice of the peace and a week in vegas kind of girl, than the fluffy frock and hava negilla type.
my friend 'the animal' went to a wedding recently. it was a very big affair, and the animal was one of the groomsmen. he was quite nervous. he had to wear a tux and what my colleague, kr calls a camembert. it was a huge a family affair, and he had to make a speech. all his brothers were going, as well as a further cast of thousands, and they were definitely going to have a wedding cake with at least five tiers.
anyway three days after the wedding when the animal finally answered my smses i got this:
'it was good. got horribly drunk, got hit on by a cousin and woke up in a strange place and everyone else had left. brother had to drive for an hour and a half to come fetch me.'
if i ever get married, that's the kind of wedding i want.
my friend 'the animal' went to a wedding recently. it was a very big affair, and the animal was one of the groomsmen. he was quite nervous. he had to wear a tux and what my colleague, kr calls a camembert. it was a huge a family affair, and he had to make a speech. all his brothers were going, as well as a further cast of thousands, and they were definitely going to have a wedding cake with at least five tiers.
anyway three days after the wedding when the animal finally answered my smses i got this:
'it was good. got horribly drunk, got hit on by a cousin and woke up in a strange place and everyone else had left. brother had to drive for an hour and a half to come fetch me.'
if i ever get married, that's the kind of wedding i want.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
no he didn't!
so let’s you and me chat a little more about online dating, shall we? i was just having a little after-dinner online-dating-site browse. Now I don’t want to give you the impression that all the guys on this site are freaks and lunatics, because they really aren’t. there are a lot of very handsome, well adjusted, mentally stable and gainfully employed guys trawling the site. but they’re really no fun to write about, so i’m going to stick with the freaks and lunatics for now.
so if you’re slightly squeamish or considering trying online dating yourself, than maybe stop here. but if you’re the kind of person who slows down a little when they drive past an accident, then keep on reading.
i will change his name to protect his identity, mainly because i can’t afford the legal fees. so let’s just call him JOHN DOE. JOHN DOE, bless him, just tried strike up a conversation with me online.
now at first glance there’s nothing odd about JOHN DOE. he’s a regular 41 year old man, who has a steady job, doesn’t smoke and only drinks occasionally. quite nice so far. but then I moved onto his narrative.
why should you get to know JOHN DOE: (and i quote here, for the sake of accuracy)
“I am on this site because I would love to make new friends, and just enjoy company together, if roman’s blossoms? that will be a bonus...”
roman’s? i picture a guy in a tunic, with a shield and a sword on our first date.
he then goes on to describe his ideal match as follows:
“A smart man once said to me; If you want something perfect? Get a Porch"
(sorry to butt in again here, but i think he means porsche.)
“I believe in physical attraction, that's why men buy sport cars, lucky we don't all like the same tipe of sport cars. that doesn't mean you have to be a sports model, I'm happy with a Chevy, Toyota or Ford as well, as long as it has a soft nature, nice and clean INSIDE, no visual damage on the outside, and a service history, soft seats, and nice music playing.”
is this guy mad? is he clinically insane? when did it become ok to compare women to cars? does he imagine that we’ll all like it so much we'll fall at his feet begging him to take us on a date, maybe to a drive-in, since we like cars so much.
that being said, i can’t help thinking that i probably used to be a sports car, but these days i’m a little more like a four-seater sedan.
so if you’re slightly squeamish or considering trying online dating yourself, than maybe stop here. but if you’re the kind of person who slows down a little when they drive past an accident, then keep on reading.
i will change his name to protect his identity, mainly because i can’t afford the legal fees. so let’s just call him JOHN DOE. JOHN DOE, bless him, just tried strike up a conversation with me online.
now at first glance there’s nothing odd about JOHN DOE. he’s a regular 41 year old man, who has a steady job, doesn’t smoke and only drinks occasionally. quite nice so far. but then I moved onto his narrative.
why should you get to know JOHN DOE: (and i quote here, for the sake of accuracy)
“I am on this site because I would love to make new friends, and just enjoy company together, if roman’s blossoms? that will be a bonus...”
roman’s? i picture a guy in a tunic, with a shield and a sword on our first date.
he then goes on to describe his ideal match as follows:
“A smart man once said to me; If you want something perfect? Get a Porch"
(sorry to butt in again here, but i think he means porsche.)
“I believe in physical attraction, that's why men buy sport cars, lucky we don't all like the same tipe of sport cars. that doesn't mean you have to be a sports model, I'm happy with a Chevy, Toyota or Ford as well, as long as it has a soft nature, nice and clean INSIDE, no visual damage on the outside, and a service history, soft seats, and nice music playing.”
is this guy mad? is he clinically insane? when did it become ok to compare women to cars? does he imagine that we’ll all like it so much we'll fall at his feet begging him to take us on a date, maybe to a drive-in, since we like cars so much.
that being said, i can’t help thinking that i probably used to be a sports car, but these days i’m a little more like a four-seater sedan.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
for the art directors
i felt bad. it's a jewish thing, guilt. the post below is something special for the writers out there, so here you go art director people, something lovely off the internetweb just for you.
something to fall in love with on a wednesday afternoon.
i'm a writer, i can't help falling in love with things like this. thank you marc johns, from the internetweb for making this lovely thing. i am going out to buy one immediately. do you think woolies has them?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
mr oral sex.
you may or may not know this about me, but i recently found myself single again, or as i like to call it, ‘between relationships’. so in need of a good laugh i surfed back round to my favourite (read: ‘the only’) online dating website for a bit of a browse.
i like to surf around and check the guys out. there are the strange ones, the nice ones, the awful ones, the married ones, the loser ones and a whole lot of unforgivable ones (those littered with bad grammar, clichés and spelling mistakes).
for now let’s chat about the strange ones. i recently came across this guy. he's 38, he’s never been married and has no kids, which is pretty rare around these parts when you’re over 30.
in his narrative he explains that he’s a gentleman who likes to watch cricket and that he’s quite religious and likes classical music. he comes across as sweet, professional and a little shy. his profile is well thought out with no errors and a conservative, but open vibe about it.
then he moves on to discuss the kind of woman he’s looking for. so far i’m liking this guy, i mean, he’s certainly not for me, he lost me at religious and shy, but i’m thinking that some nice girl next door type might be very lucky to stumble across this chap. i picture him tall and thin and kind of bookish looking. (he hasn’t put up a picture.)
he carries on to say that he’s looking for someone supportive and committed in a relationship. and i’m still nodding. but then it comes. the ‘what-the-fuck, did he actually say that?’ moment.
suddenly out of nowhere, between religious gentleman, and classical music he says, and i quote here for accuracy:
“you must enjoy giving oral sex – non negotiable!”
where the hell did that come from? i mean these profiles are a little like a first date, right? it’s your opportunity to get to know a guy a little bit better, size him up, decide if you’d like to know more. here we are on our first virtual date, one minute we’re chatting casually about music and religion, and the next minute he’s got his willy out, campaigning for a blow job.
come on, guy! all men love a blow job, no secret there, but can’t you wait till the third date, or even just dessert, before you blatantly demand one? no wonder he’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. chances are he’s never made it past the first date.
i like to surf around and check the guys out. there are the strange ones, the nice ones, the awful ones, the married ones, the loser ones and a whole lot of unforgivable ones (those littered with bad grammar, clichés and spelling mistakes).
for now let’s chat about the strange ones. i recently came across this guy. he's 38, he’s never been married and has no kids, which is pretty rare around these parts when you’re over 30.
in his narrative he explains that he’s a gentleman who likes to watch cricket and that he’s quite religious and likes classical music. he comes across as sweet, professional and a little shy. his profile is well thought out with no errors and a conservative, but open vibe about it.
then he moves on to discuss the kind of woman he’s looking for. so far i’m liking this guy, i mean, he’s certainly not for me, he lost me at religious and shy, but i’m thinking that some nice girl next door type might be very lucky to stumble across this chap. i picture him tall and thin and kind of bookish looking. (he hasn’t put up a picture.)
he carries on to say that he’s looking for someone supportive and committed in a relationship. and i’m still nodding. but then it comes. the ‘what-the-fuck, did he actually say that?’ moment.
suddenly out of nowhere, between religious gentleman, and classical music he says, and i quote here for accuracy:
“you must enjoy giving oral sex – non negotiable!”
where the hell did that come from? i mean these profiles are a little like a first date, right? it’s your opportunity to get to know a guy a little bit better, size him up, decide if you’d like to know more. here we are on our first virtual date, one minute we’re chatting casually about music and religion, and the next minute he’s got his willy out, campaigning for a blow job.
come on, guy! all men love a blow job, no secret there, but can’t you wait till the third date, or even just dessert, before you blatantly demand one? no wonder he’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. chances are he’s never made it past the first date.
Monday, June 22, 2009
monday to-do list.
if you want to create your own customised desktop sticky note, go here, it rocks:
http://stickyscreen.org/
Saturday, June 20, 2009
smarty pants
this man is called michael crowe. he lives in the uk. he is very clever. i've never met him. but he has a blog that i love. it's called figcrumbs. he writes poems and does other cool art things. like this one time, he and a friend found a tiny village and mailed every singe resident a hand written letter. they didn't know any of the people, and every letter was different and unique. not a hundred percent sure why they did it, but i think it was something to do with getting the whole village talking. it's very cool. you can read all the letters on his website and see his other cool stuff. here: http://figcrumbs.blogspot.com/but that's not why i'm here. i got distracted. i actually wanted to show you this poem. he wrote it. and i love it. or rather, i yellow cheese it. i emailed to tell him how much i liked it. he emailed back. i felt a bit like a stalker.
you should be able to click on it to make it bigger, but if you can't (sorry i'm still learning) i've retyped it below:
I something you
Every time somebody says
I love you
it loses some of it's clout so
I've decided not to say it again.
I hope you understand.
Please don't take it personally.
You know the way I feel about you.
I South Korea you.
I little blue blazer with brass buttons you.
I Kindergarten Cop you.
More than ever.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
screw wedding vows.
i found this lovely contract thingy somewhere out there in the WonderfulWebofWonderfulness. again the credits escaped me. sorry clever creator person of this wonderful thing.
forget wedding vows, if i ever decide to tie the knot, or rather 'not', i want one of these things instead.
come back later for a story about a nigerian drug dealer.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
the internetweb is full of stuffs.
i found this on the internetweb. i love it.
i want to kiss whoever made it on the lips.
even if they're a girl.
although not so much if they're a really ugly girl with a hairy upper lip.
i mean i like it a lot, but not that much.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
not that i'm complaining about a public holiday, but...
today is a tuesday which is actually more like a saturday. and tomorrow is a wednesday, but more like a monday.
if you ask me (which you didn't, but i'll tell you anyway, since you're already here) public holiday or no public holiday, any week with two monday's in it, is simply cruel and unusual.
if you ask me (which you didn't, but i'll tell you anyway, since you're already here) public holiday or no public holiday, any week with two monday's in it, is simply cruel and unusual.
nobody dates a nigel.
finding myself single again, or as i like to call it, ‘in between blokes’, and in need of a good laugh, i decided to head back to my favourite (read: ‘the only’) online dating website in the country. you see i haven’t been there since just before i started dating 'Mr Perfect Until He Dumped Me For His Ex Girlfriend' and i was curious to see what new gems lay waiting for a thirty-eish girl like me since i last visited the site six months ago.
the thing about online dating is that first impressions are really important. i mean i know it sounds shallow and all, and you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but there are reams of guys to choose from, so if someone doesn't strike you instantly you just click through to the next one. which is why giving yourself the right name or 'handle' is so important if you're serious about meeting someone online. unfortunately a lot of guys don't seem to have recieved this memo, and i'm horrified as i start to scroll through the profiles.
step aside ladies, i saw them first.
the first winner who catches my eye is 'Skip Me', alright i will. next.
the next one is 'Refusetofollow', now i see where he's going here, and i think he had the right idea, but it's just a pity refuse also means garbage, trash, rubbish and shit.
next up was a chap who has decided to call himself 'Rage'. and while his picture looks nice, i'm not entirely sure that 'Rage' is the six-foot-two man i want to get into a long-term relationship with.
there is also a 'Fossil 83', curiosity got the better of me and i decided to check out his profile, at just 26 years old, i wonder what he's getting at?
then there are the wierdo's, and there are plenty of these. how about 'Nogbietjietrou'? now i may have smoked pot in the loos with michelle landman all the way through high school afrikaans, but i'm sure that means 'still a little bit married', huh?
of course there are those who just put their full name down ie: 'George Phillips', or 'Daniel Manter', they must have thought about that for weeks.
now don't get me wrong, not all of them are dodgy. i mean i did a search for 'Mr Right' and there were 97 of them.
the thing about online dating is that first impressions are really important. i mean i know it sounds shallow and all, and you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but there are reams of guys to choose from, so if someone doesn't strike you instantly you just click through to the next one. which is why giving yourself the right name or 'handle' is so important if you're serious about meeting someone online. unfortunately a lot of guys don't seem to have recieved this memo, and i'm horrified as i start to scroll through the profiles.
step aside ladies, i saw them first.
the first winner who catches my eye is 'Skip Me', alright i will. next.
the next one is 'Refusetofollow', now i see where he's going here, and i think he had the right idea, but it's just a pity refuse also means garbage, trash, rubbish and shit.
next up was a chap who has decided to call himself 'Rage'. and while his picture looks nice, i'm not entirely sure that 'Rage' is the six-foot-two man i want to get into a long-term relationship with.
there is also a 'Fossil 83', curiosity got the better of me and i decided to check out his profile, at just 26 years old, i wonder what he's getting at?
then there are the wierdo's, and there are plenty of these. how about 'Nogbietjietrou'? now i may have smoked pot in the loos with michelle landman all the way through high school afrikaans, but i'm sure that means 'still a little bit married', huh?
of course there are those who just put their full name down ie: 'George Phillips', or 'Daniel Manter', they must have thought about that for weeks.
now don't get me wrong, not all of them are dodgy. i mean i did a search for 'Mr Right' and there were 97 of them.
Monday, June 15, 2009
the suckiness that is monday.
monday, historically not my favourite day of the week.
if you're going to stub your toe, or miss a spelling mistake on a printer's proof, or get crapped on by a seagull, or oversleep, or shag a guy who turns out to be married, or have to copy check a quarterly report, chances are it's going to happen on a monday.
if you're going to stub your toe, or miss a spelling mistake on a printer's proof, or get crapped on by a seagull, or oversleep, or shag a guy who turns out to be married, or have to copy check a quarterly report, chances are it's going to happen on a monday.
monday cleverness
there are some very clever people on the interwebby machine. one of them made this. i'm not that clever. all i did was copy and paste it.Sunday, June 14, 2009
sms-iquette.
so here's my dilemma. i was just lurking around the book fair today, minding my own business and surreptitiously stalking the ceo of penguin books in the hopes that she might suddenly get the urge to publish me, when i get an sms from my personal trainer, jim.
now jim is a super hero. he does the iron man in his sleep, and he thinks lunges are fun. jim has been torturing me twice a week for the last six years and i've got the calf muscles to prove it.
anyway i only need to take one look at jim's sms to realise that it's clearly not meant for me. in fact, i'm pretty sure, if not positive, that it's meant explicitly for his wife's eyes only. you go jim and wife, you naughty shits!
ok, so now what? i'm mortified. do i sms back? i really wouldn't know what to say. can i just ignore it? please please can i just ignore it. but what if he mentions it? i can't tease him, that would only lead to mass embarrassment for both of us, or an extra three sets of sit ups on tuesday. i'm leaning towards pretending it never happened. so, if you see him, please don't mention it, and the girl standing next to him with the big smile on her face, that's probably his wife.
now jim is a super hero. he does the iron man in his sleep, and he thinks lunges are fun. jim has been torturing me twice a week for the last six years and i've got the calf muscles to prove it.
anyway i only need to take one look at jim's sms to realise that it's clearly not meant for me. in fact, i'm pretty sure, if not positive, that it's meant explicitly for his wife's eyes only. you go jim and wife, you naughty shits!
ok, so now what? i'm mortified. do i sms back? i really wouldn't know what to say. can i just ignore it? please please can i just ignore it. but what if he mentions it? i can't tease him, that would only lead to mass embarrassment for both of us, or an extra three sets of sit ups on tuesday. i'm leaning towards pretending it never happened. so, if you see him, please don't mention it, and the girl standing next to him with the big smile on her face, that's probably his wife.
blogger's remorse.
oh shit. i'm having serious blogger's remorse. was that really my first ever blog? it was so crap. a first entry is supposed to be important, funny, clever and insightful, not corny and cheesy. dammit.
it's horrible being a writer when it comes to stuff like this, and birthday cards. everyone always has such high expectations. you can't just write; "happy birthday, have a good one", it's always got to be something funny and clever. it's exhausting.
apparently in technological terms i'm a 'laggard', which means i'm not always the first, or even the ten thousand and first to figure out all the fancy new techno interwebby things. which would explain why a) half of teenage america beat me to getting a blog out here, and b) why i don't know how to remove my pathetic first attempt at a blog entry.
it's horrible being a writer when it comes to stuff like this, and birthday cards. everyone always has such high expectations. you can't just write; "happy birthday, have a good one", it's always got to be something funny and clever. it's exhausting.
apparently in technological terms i'm a 'laggard', which means i'm not always the first, or even the ten thousand and first to figure out all the fancy new techno interwebby things. which would explain why a) half of teenage america beat me to getting a blog out here, and b) why i don't know how to remove my pathetic first attempt at a blog entry.
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