Wham, bam, no thank you spam.

Morning all, here's yesterday's column in the Sunday Times, just in case you missed it.


WHAM, BAM, NO THANK YOU, SPAM.

I believe spam to be sent out by the bottom feeders and paedophiles of the universe. It truly is the scourge of the internet.
Replica watches - no thank you, I think I’m all good on the replica watch front.
Viagra - thanks for offering but I really don't need any, because I’m a lady!
Penis Enlargements – people can’t really fall for that can they?
And if I had a hundred rand for every time I’ve won The Nigerian Lotto I would have around *counts on fingers*, let’s just say I’d have so much money it would be as if I had actually won The Nigerian Lotto.

The crazy mad thing about spam is that it must work somehow, on some level, otherwise they wouldn’t still send it out, would they?

So who's buying into this crap? Which idiot out there is ordering replica watches by the dozen and Viagra up the wazoo and ruining life for the rest of us? Please tell me who it is. I'd like to ask him the time and then when he looks down at his replica watch I’d like to knee him in his gigantic, enlarged, permanently erect penis.

Do you think they’re actually selling real replica watches? Or is it a cunning but evil scheme to get all your details on file so they can steal your identity. Or perhaps they want your address so they can send you one of those letters that inform you that you’ve been cleared for a credit card with an opening balance of a million and a half Rand?

We recently got this gem delivered into our inboxes at work:
‘Back to basics, a longer, wider, stronger man meat is what she needs.’
Seriously? Who are they getting to write this stuff? Is it the same people who write the scripts for Pornographic Movies? Hold on a second, do pornos even have scripts? Do porn stars have to learn their lines? I really can’t imagine a porn star housewife opening the door to a porn star plumber and then ruining the take and making them have to start all over again because she forgot her line. I also can’t picture a porn star asking the porn director whether she should deliver her deep, thought-provoking soliloquy before or after the boom chicka wa wa music kicks in.

According to the information part of the internet (the 60% of it that isn’t pure spam), spam was invented in 1978 by a man named Gary Thuerk. A man who in my mind is only slightly less infuriating than the man at the DialAmerica Corporation who invented TeleMarketing in the 1950s. Both of these people deserve either a prolonged beating or a phone call from a stranger just as they’re sitting down to dinner with their families, every night for the rest of their lives.

Did you know that there are about 12.4 billion spam emails sent out daily? I don’t know about you, but some days it feels like 12.3 billion of them land in my inbox. And that doesn’t even include all the unsolicited smses we’re now having to deal with too.

I’m just hoping that if I’m a good citizen and I pay all my taxes and I don’t murder anyone, then one day, maybe, just maybe, as a reward, I’ll magically receive the private phone number for the guy who sends out those replica watch emails. When that happens I plan on passing his number on to the penis enlargement people, let’s see how much he likes that.

Crazy dog lovers

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, just when you think that cat lovers own all the rights to being completely crazy, then a bunch of dog lovers come along and shoot that theory out of the water.

According to the photographer responsible for this series, these are:

Yes, these freaks have had jumpers made out of their dog's hair.

Yup, just when you thought you'd seen it all, this corner of crazy comes along. If you look quite closely you'll notice that each of their dogs actually looks a little pissed off. And can you blame them?

I suppose we've been doing it with sheep for centuries, so then why does it feel so weird to be doing it with our dogs?

also why are pet lovers always so strange and creepy looking?

Exhibit A.

Imagine if it was the other way around, and dogs suddenly wore their owners as clothes. Very Hannibal Lecter.

Shame, nobody was more disappointed to read this post than the lady who owns this dog:

She'll have to settle for a jersey for her dolly, or a really tiny willy warmer.

(Reference courtesy of Zwier. Thank you darling. xxx)

The cock knee girl/cockney girl

Bwhahahahahahahaha you should be able to hear me laughing in the Karoo.

This is hilarious.

The very funny, smart and I believe eligible, Justin (mid thirties, lives in cape town, single dad, tall, sweet, quite handsome, except when he's grumpy - mail me if you're interested, ladies, and i'll hook you up) sent me this, and i laughed till i cracked a rib.

Click on it to make it larger.

It's in a similar vein to this post over here, where the girl looks naked, but isn't.

It's either a weird trick of the light, or that lady-man should have been wearing underpants to rein in her enormously long shlong!

Love it.

Guy logic VS Girl logic

Here's yesterday's Sunday Times Column, in case you didn't get a chance to see it.

GUY LOGIC VS GIRL LOGIC

Men and women are so incredibly different from one another it’s astonishing that we’re even considered the same species, let alone the fact that we’re supposed to live together in harmony. It’s not surprising the world’s divorce rate is so high; it’s a bit like putting a rhino and a kangaroo together in the same cage and expecting them to be the best of mates forever.

Our logic is diametrically opposed on just about every subject. Here’s an example of some Female Logic that your average male will be entirely unable to comprehend. Girls around the world believe that if they tie a jersey around their waist, then all that bulky fabric will hide their bum and make it actually appear smaller.

And let’s temper that with a bit of Guy Logic. According to the average South African male, beer is one of the four major food groups and is absolutely necessary to their survival. Chances are all the men who just read that are nodding their heads, while all the women are shaking theirs. Proof.

Ever seen a man buy potpourri? No, I didn’t think so. Ever sent a man flowers at work? No, me neither.

A recent survey in England unearthed this pearl – ‘90% of British men aged between 18 and 25 can go up to three days without changing their underpants.’ Only a man would ever even consider doing that, let alone admit to it in a survey. The Guy Logic behind this practice probably goes a little something like this: wear them one day, then turn them inside out for day two, and then turn them inside out again for day three, having given the outside bits time to air out during day two and therefore making them as good as washed.

As a woman, the thought of wearing the same pair of panties for more than one day running makes me want to burn my own eyeballs. A friend of mine recently went away for two weeks and took twenty one bras with her. Why she would even own, let alone need twenty one bras for fourteen days is beyond me, but it does help highlight my point.

Try inviting a group of women over, pour a few glasses of wine, plug in the X-box and see how long their attention spans last, especially if it’s a shooting or driving game. And conversely imagine a group of heterosexual guys having book club. It won’t work unless the boys at hand are seriously genetically modified, on a dare, or pretty drunk.

Now of course these are all massive and gross generalisations, and there are no doubt dozens of exceptions to every rule, but whether or not you agree with the examples given above, I still don’t think anyone would argue about how essentially different we are from one another.

Women, without them who would we have sex with and who would replace the empty toilet rolls? - Guy logic.

Men, without them who would change a flat? – Girl logic.

And we all lived together happily ever after.

Strange things you might see on the subway.

To be honest, I'm not 100% sure what it was I was googling when I came across this beaut. Probably best not to ponder that.  

But this is what I found - an entire website devoted to strange things you might see on the subway.

Like cardboard cutouts of Michael Jackson with a handbag.

Or leopard man, waiting to pounce. Or...

Yeah, I don't really know what that is either. I wrote three descriptions but then deleted all of them. None seemed quite appropriate.

One day maybe i'll get the guts/a death wish/giant cahones and then I'll travel on a South African train with a camera, and try snap some local versions of these shots.

But that day is unlikely to come any time soon, so we'll have to just enjoy these internationally grabbed snaps.

More Michael Jackson. Clearly he likes a train.

Next stop, Crazyville.

Next stop - The Zoo.

Next stop - MacDonalds.

Okay yes, that is annoying. I'll stop that immediately.

Sure, why not. I was just on a train the other day, wearing that.

Do you think he brought those rats onto the train with him? Because I've been on those trains and he probably didn't need to, there are plenty of them already on there.

I'm going with that guy.

Well Charlie Chaplin/Adolf Hitler needs to get from point A to point B too, you know!

A man reading a book, yes that is a strange thing you might see on the subway.

He wants his mommy.

We will fight them on the benches, we will fight them on the subways, we will never surrender.

Ummm... I think that guy's missing the whole point of owning a scooter!

I wonder if you still have to get up for an old person or a pregnant lady if you take your own seat?

If you want to see more of these crazy shots, there are hundreds over here.

Hey, who's that clown in the yellow scarf?

See, the old saying is true, there are plenty more fish in the train.

simply deeeelightful.

People are strangely odd, and oddly strange.

Have a wonderful weekend, everybody. 



Are you a dog person or a cat person?

Look i’m just not a cute and cuddly pictures kind of girl.

I’ve never owned a calendar with kittens or puppies or firemen. I just don’t go in for that.

But this is different. This picture does it for me.

Now let me just state for the record that I am neither a cat nor a dog person, i like both animals equally and i own neither, so this comes from an entirely unbiassed place. 

Cats are smarter than dogs in a purely opportunistic way.  

I believe cats pretend to sleep all day but they're actually lying there strategising, figuring out ways to rule the universe. The purring is their inner fan that they use to cool their brains and prevent overheating during major strategy sessions.

Dogs on the other hand can lick their own balls.

You decide which you'd rather be.

letters, letters, letters.

Hi all, so i've mentioned before the kinds of crazy mails i recieve every week in response to my column in the Sunday Times, and this week has been no exception.

Strange to note that I didn't get a single mail from a female, which is odd considering that I thought the column was very female oriented.

here are a couple of beauts:

This first one comes from Onwell:

Hie i can help get me one proffessional single for a date but im a married man 30 yrs old i can reduce the number

I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.

This next guy didn't leave his name, but I have his cell number if any of you ladies are interested:

Ur column is interesting.i dont have a date. i like 2 have a date with u white sistaz. but maybe money wise iam not secure

Here's another:

But seriously ladies, in my opinion this next guy is a keeper, and i'm not even joking here. Anyone looking for an eligible, smart, funny dude, look no further. Mail me if you're interested and i'll get you in touch.
 
Hi, I read your article which appeared in the Lifestyle Magazine on 16 Jan.
I applaud your brave approach re suitability. Perhaps your next column should be dedicated to "contra sex ratio-singles", ie single guys. Believe me,we are in the same boat and have the same complaint(although it is probably difficult to be a fish in the sea and in the boat at the same time!!!).
I am of the view that I fall within the description which is contained in the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph of your article.Yet I remain (disillusioned) in the desert. I surmise, like everything in life, that it is just a question of being in the right place at the right time (or conceivably the wrong place at the right time) ie luck.
Michael.

Thanks Michael, I totally agree. You just have to be in the wrong place at the right time. That's all. (I told you, is he a keeper or what? Yeah yeah, if he's so great why am I sharing the love? He's Joburg based. Have at him ladies.)

And there were a ton of CV type offers:

Hi, I am a straight single successful 36 year old man looking for a woman for a relationship toward marriage. There just not enough woman available. I am a director within Aveng Group, good looking, sporty. Kesh

If anyone is interested in getting to know any of these guys let me know, and i'll put you in touch. (This last guy sent a photograph of himself.)

Morning Page,

I enjoy reading your column. You'll have to set me up with one of your friends.
In short, I'm in my early 40s, trained as an economist at Vanderbilt, US. I'm open minded, considerate, love the outdoors etc.
Bongani.


Bongani sounds like quite a catch. Any takers?

But by far my favourite came from John:

Hi Paige


I really enjoy your weekly column in the Sunday Times, I'm a happy single guy and find your perspective on dating and meeting the right person of the opposite sex humerous and insightful.


After reading today's piece, if you want to hook me up with one of your single friends I'd do it for your column!
Keep up the great work!
Cheers
John

Bwahahahaha. You don't find that kind of selfless commitment anymore these days. Thank you John.

Dear Nicky Paige



Hopefully that is a suitable appellation – “Nick” does not seem right for a member of the fairer sex; nor does it seem right as a surname, with Paige as your first.

Your article is worthy of a better description than a “page nick”. I seem to remember reading one of your articles in a previous edition of the ST on which date it was suitable to go to the next level – I enjoyed that too.


Anyway to return to your analysis – amusing as it was, I suggest that a difficulty for many of us is that we look for more than the other person can give – perhaps you said that, so I don’t claim originality. This outlook immediately takes about 90% of those who might be eligible out of the equation.


I shall resist giving you a biographical and physiological description because yours is not a dating agency – and if it were I would not be writing to you.

But, let your friends know that there are still some “men” out there.
Regards
Hal

It's a good letter. thank you Hal. Love Paige. Paige Nick. Paige is my first name, Nick is my surname. (Sheesh!)

This next guy not only wrote me a letter, but he also wrote a computer programme to help us find our ideal matches.

Hi Paige,
Just to thank you for making me think and laugh more each Sunday than many politicians can do.
A program that I wrote that can help you and some of those hot single women you write about: http://www.luckydays.tv/starlove.html
Regards,
Adrian
Single is ok. The strongest love is unrequited.

Adrian, are you single? Cos if you wrote a computer programme to combat singleness and you're still single, then... well, I'm just sayin'.
 
Then there's this guy. I can't say I understand his mail all that well. I might need to light up a spliff or something to get there. It's anyone's guess whether he is writing to say he enjoyed the column or hated it. I can't tell. But I kind of dig him.

Hello fellow gmailian! Without PREJUDICE and with extreme mirth and appreciation and nameless we would prefer to remain!! Dont google me!!


Oh my Gawd! I have never in my life ever heard such sense said in such precise prose as this!


Studied! Indeed the “STUDY” shows, sorry what country, culture, age group, economic department, religious denomination blab la bla did you ACTUALLY study~!!??


We are social animals and we love sex!! Now anyone that is alone cannot have social interaction or sex! Der!! What is suitability?? He pays for your shoes?? Your friends have unhappy, unproductive lives. Wow, that is some statement, that they are unhappy because someone does not pay for their shoes or service their carnal needs!! Your friends need to understand men, not women, and then they may find a cobbler!!


So are you commitment phobic?? What does that ACTUALLY mean?? Why are you worried about THEM?? What EXPERTS are you referring to? There are many single men, we are a happy bunch 3 single males of heterosexual inclination and who possess the unquestionable ability to on any moonlit night to have any woman we want, why would we settle for 10 years older!! It is quite simple darling, the young ones have nice firm titties!!


Research AGAIN!! More girls than boys?? Testosterone related injuries, ha ha ha! My girlfriendzzzzz have exhibited the most dangerous behaviour I have ever witnessed, even including in the Vietnam War!! I am surprised I am alive!! Fuck Cambodia!!


OOPS gayeeee??? That is happy and content!! Well we are so far from gay we get terrified when a single man approaches us!! I can imagine how you feel! Them gays, I are immortalised!! Gotta agree with you there baby!


Statistics statistics, gay numbers?? NONE of my girlfriends have been STRAIGHT, ALL of them were lesbians, aaaar noooo, actually they liked, I mean they batted for both sides!! I must say it was a lot of fun!! I enjoyed meself immensely! No complaints, you see they argued wif each udder! Not me!


I do not understand your next paragraph, computer geeks I think you are referring to, well they just cool guys! No comment... Use the trigger finger to your advantage baby!!


You know something baby, older women have overcome their sexual insecurities to the extent that they realise what a wonderful playtoy their cougar is!! 161000 men incarcerated?? It seems you are caught up in statistics baby! What is the percentage of 161000 against 8 million odd men, wow that is SIGNIFICANT! Your description of CROCS and a PUANCH is delightful; would you rather have blue suede shoes and a sleeveless tee shirt??


Your last statement is priceless!! THE FEWER GUYS THERE ARE TO CHOOSE FROM THE HOTTER THE AVAILABLE ONES START TO LOOK AND ULTIMATELY THE MORE SINGLE WE REMAIN!!


SO what are you telling us baby?? We await eagerly in anticipation of your next informative article, SINGLE AT 80!!

Yes, I think I'll leave you with that bit of crazy.

Why are we still single?

Here's yesterday's Sunday Times Column. Sunday Times edited quite a bit out of it, so here it is in it's full, original form. Enjoy.

I got some super-crazy mad lunatic emails off of this one, i'll post some of them tomorrow. Prepare for the crazy. You've been warned.


WHERE DID ALL THE GOOD GUYS GO?


I’ve mentioned here before that I’m happily single. Really I am. I’m not just lying to make friends. If nobody suitable comes along for me, it’s not the end of the world. But I do have a couple of girlfriends who aren’t so happily single. And I don’t mean average looking girls with nice personalities here, I’m talking about truly lovely, smart, independent, virile chicks. I’ve checked and none of them have hunchbacks or third nipples, and none are half as commitment phobic as I am, so you have to wonder why nobody’s snapped them up yet?

Not to get too scientific about it, but according to experts there’s a small but growing percentage of the world’s population who in fancy techno speak are now being termed ‘sex-ratio singles’. That’s single chicks to you and me. Our numbers are growing girls, we may be single, but we’re certainly not alone.

We women tend to blame ourselves for this. We wonder what we’re doing wrong. Aren’t we pretty/funny/clever/stupid/breasty enough? Don’t worry girls, your boobs aren’t too small and there’s nothing stuck in your teeth, we might just be single for more statistical reasons. What if there simply aren’t enough good, single, straight men out there to go around?

I’ve done the research and women start out okay. There are more boys born every year than girls, so in theory we should be sitting pretty, dates for everyone, even the girls with unibrows. But then adolescence kicks in. Sadly a ton of teenage boys die every year of testosterone related injuries like car accidents and other foolish boy-type Jackass shenanigans that go wrong. It’s depressing to think about, but it does affect the amount of single dudes heading into adulthood, looking for a date.

Another reason we might still be single is the gay factor. In the States gay men outnumber lesbians by about two to one. Fair enough that’s in America, but I would imagine our statistics are fairly similar. Sorry for you single girl, the pool just got smaller, and most of the handsome, well-groomed, funny ones with good taste went over to the other side.

X-box, Wii and Playstation are also partly to blame. If you had to round up all the half decent single dudes with no tans, and surgically remove them from their consoles, you might just be able to find a half decent date in there somewhere. Although you’d have to ignore the glazed look in his square eyes and his immensely sensitive trigger finger.

Games aside, did you know that SA women also live on average five to ten years longer than men? It’s all that beer and biltong. And it leaves a ton of older women returning to single status later on in life. And thanks to plastic surgery, and the ever growing phenomenon of Cougars, (older women who date much younger men) now these women are dipping into our pool of single men too. Something tells me our waters are being over-fished, ladies. There may not be plenty more fish in the sea after all.

And wait, if that’s not enough of a reason why we might still be single, there’s more. There were over 161 000 men incarcerated in the South African prison system at the end of 2009. Now while these murderers, felons and tik addicts may not be the kind of guys we’d ideally like to take home to meet the folks and would probably first steal your heart and then steal your jewelry, that’s not really the point, is it. The point is that it’s a numbers game and every year more and more men get subtracted. And we wonder why we can’t find a date?

On the opposite side of the coin, the single men who have managed to stay alive, straight and out of prison have it really good. Look at all the incredible women they have to choose from. While as women we’re simply forced to reevaluate our standards. When the selection is smaller suddenly that guy with the slight paunch and the comb over, who wears crocs or a cell phone on his belt may not be such a bad choice after all. He has a steady job and he isn’t on crack, he can’t be that bad can he?

Forget beer goggles – a phenomenon where the more you drink the better a man/woman looks, this is more like statistical goggles. The fewer guys there are to choose from, the hotter the available ones start to look, and ultimately, the more single we remain.

When moms get creepy

It's tough being a mom, it's a 24 hour a day, 369 day a year job. Or so I've heard.

I'm not a mom myself, but i have 12 nieces and nephews and most of my mates have bred and spawned dumplings, so i have noticed that it's a bit of a crazy job, and it doesn't surprise me when moms go a bit off the deep end or drink lots of wine. But this... this is quite insane on an entirely different level. 

You have to wonder why these children's beauty pageant moms do this? Are they living vicariously through their little ones, do they wish it was them on that stage, are they bored or just a little touched? Who knows.

These kids get fake hair, fake nails, false eyelashes, false teeth and fake tans, and the moms spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on them every year. In fact the child beauty pageant industry is a $5 billion a year industry.

Beauty Pageant moms scare me. Forget ex-cons, you wouldn't want to meet one of these chicks in a dark alley when she's pre-menstrual.

Something tells me she'd get medieval on your ass.

But their little darlings smile on regardless. In about fifteen to twenty years time these little girls are going to be all grown up, and only then will we get to see the true extent of the damage that's been done.

Mark my words, there will be a sudden influx of memoirs coming out entitled 'Being a Child Beauty Queen Really Fucked me Up' and 'The Life and Times of a Child Pageant Winner in Rehab.'

How old do you think these kids are? Not being a mom myself I find it tricky to judge. 

Any moms out there willing to hazard a guess?

My guess is 6 going on 36. 

It's the thought that counts

Hello all, here's sunday's column in case you missed it. Enjoy.

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say when it comes to gifts that it’s the thought that counts. Well, they are idiots. It isn’t really. That’s just something we say to be polite. It's actually the gift that counts, and everybody knows it.

Since we’ve just come out of the biggest gifting season of the year, I thought it only appropriate to discuss bad gifts.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, of course all gifts are nice to get. But being the youngest of six children I’m no stranger to the dodgy gift. Family members must have cursed the blasted Nick family, no sooner had you finished with one birthday, wedding or baby shower and then the next one was just around the corner. It’s a good thing we’re Jewish, otherwise with 12 nieces and nephews I’d have to re-mortgage my home every Christmas to buy gifts. I honestly don’t know how the rest of you do it.

At a recent family gathering we got to chatting about some of the dodgy gifts we’ve all received over the years. It’s amazing how everyone has a bad gift story to tell. We are in recessionary times after all, and one must make do. For example, when one of my sisters got married some of our cousins clubbed together and gave her and her husband a box of quality street chocolates as a wedding present.

Not to be outdone, an aunt said her daughter got a bar of soap for her engagement party. I'm never sure about soap as a gift. Isn't it really just an insult or a thinly veiled suggestion wrapped in a bow?

One of my many nephews got a Von Zipper peak cap for his Barmitzvah, which is a wonderful gift. However on closer inspection my sister noticed that it had a label stitched into it that read: ‘SAMPLE – Made in Bangladesh. Not to be sold.’

And even better, another family member got a nightie for her 50th birthday. The tag was still on it and when she went to the shop to return it the sales lady told her they couldn’t take it back because it had been bought on sale for 99c. I didn’t even know sales went that cheap!

Then there’s the bad gift’s uglier second cousin - the re-gift. That’s when you take a gift somebody gave you, which you have no use for, and you pass it along as a gift to someone else who you think might like it. Even better if you manage to salvage the original wrapping paper it came in. Nice work. That’s the true spirit of the re-gift. Although if I can offer a small piece of advice, be sure you check to make sure you’ve removed all forms of greeting card that might have been addressed to you when you were originally given the gift, since that can be a dead giveaway that you’ve re-gifted.

When carefully thought through the re-gift can be a perfectly viable option in the times we’re living in. But the path of the re-gift isn’t always a smooth one.

This Christmas The Grandparents pulled together some Santa Chanukah stockings for the visiting grandchildren, as one does. The oldest of the grandchildren excitedly pulled one of the objects out of his stocking, only to discover a small oblong capsule. It took us all a couple of minutes of fiddling to figure out what it was. The contraption, once opened and pieced together was quite a handy pocket sized corkscrew. In retrospect, perhaps not the most ideal re-gift for a fourteen year old boy.

Photobombing

Photobombing is awesome.

Just in case you've been wearing a bonnet and living with the Amish for the last year, photobombing is when you wait till someone is having a photograph taken and you jump in the background and pull your pants down, or pull a crazy face or something.

It's totally awesome.

The best part is imagining the person's face when they see the photograph and realise they've been bombed.

There is a website full of them over here.

There's just nothing quite like a well timed photobomb. And the more posy the 'victims', the better.

A photobombing isn't always intentional, sometimes it just happens naturally, like this:

Can't tell if this next one is intentional or not.

Pose girls, pose, you never know when there'll be an old white guy picking his nose behind your back. All the styling in the world can't fix that.

That one is one of my very favourites, this guy should spend the rest of his life running around made up like that popping up in different people's photos all over the world. it would be the ultimate internet me me.

Ah, a future professional photobomber in the making.

Photobombing on TV, love it.

A bit of a photobombing buffet to follow:

And look, it's not just humans who photobomb:

 Pets can photobomb too.

  

Meow.