bow-lingual

We've established before here at A Million Miles from Normal, that pet owners can be a little on the crazy side.

Yes you, lady with forty cats who all sleep on your bed with you at night, and you chap who talks to your dog, and you lady who wants to marry your dog. You're all barking mad! I mean please don't be offended, you're not mad in a bad, you should seek medication and be locked up kind of way. More mad in a kooky, slightly crazy, loopy kind of way.

And here's proof. Back in 2002 a Japanese company invented this:

It's called The Bow-Lingual.

It's a dog translator. You whack that small receiver device onto your dog's collar and you hold onto the walkie-talkie piece. Then when your dog barks the microphone records and transmits the sound to the hand-held unit for computer analysis against a database of thousands of dog barks. The computer then translates the bark and tells you what your doggie is trying to say to you.

The computer categorizes the bark into one of six distinct pre-programmed doggie emotions. Those emotions are happy, sad, frustrated, on-guard, assertive and needy

I reckon it's missing a few emotions though. It should also translate all the other obvious doggie thoughts like: 'I want to lick my own balls', 'I want to sniff your crotch', 'I'm hungry' and 'I hate it when he blames me for farting, when it's actually him'.

And then it should also have a special set of translations for dogs like Lassie. Things like; 'Quick, Timmy is stuck in the well!' or 'Hurry, the barn is on fire!' and 'Please, please, please just throw the fucking stick already!'




Puppy says, 'Dude, if you blowdry my hair one more time I'm going to bite you on the ankle!'




And; 'Oh bugger, not dog biscuits for dinner again!'



After the success of the Bow-lingual, in around about 2004, the makers of Bow-Lingual brought out the Meow-lingual, for cats.

But since cat's really only say one or two things, like; 'Bring me my food, biatch', and 'Stop staring at me, or I'll eat your face while you're sleeping'...

...and since cat's four main moods include; indifferent, cynical, sleepy and unimpressed, as you can imagine, the Meow-lingual was slightly less successful.

Everybody knows it takes a lot more than a little piece of Japanese techno-crap to impress a cat.