cock cakes and penis biscuits

let me tell you, i'm not much of a cook, but i've been known to bake a bit of a biscuit on the odd occasion.

so it was my birthday the other day and at the office we have this policy where if it's your birthday you have to bring in treats for everyone at work. it's a bit of a con now that i think of it, surely if it's your birthday everybody else should bring you something, not the other way around? hmmmm, sneaky bastards.

anyway so i was trying to decide what to bake, and i thought - what if i bake the filthiest, most disgustingly pornographic biscuits i can find? one of two things will happen.

1. everyone will love them and i'll be a hero.

2. people will be horrified, i'll get a letter of warning and they'll never make me bring in cake on my birthday again.

either way i win.

so i went where everyone goes when they're looking for porn, online.

and there i found this fantastic selection of assorted sweet treats:

there was everything from cock cakes:

to cup cocks:

(not the same as a cockup!)

and everything in between.

if by in between you mean vagina biscuits. otherwise known as 'cookies':

no surprise since we're dealing with the internet, but there were also boobs. lots and lots of boobs.

forget a cupcake. how about a double d-cup cake?

nice touch on the piercing don't you think.

and next time i know someone throwing a surprise party i'm totally going to make one of these:

i mean surely that really is the ultimate surprise.

the ultra pink tip on that one scares me a bit. think it's marzipan? ew.

and those are way out of my league, i'd never have the skill to make them, but i had to show you for the sheer artistry of them.

and if this cake doesn't make you blind, nothing will:

above is the only time you won't complain when you find a pubic hair in your cupcake.

brings new meaning to blowing out your candles, doesn't it?

and ladies, just a heads up, unless you're a muppet, if yours looks like this, you need to stop what you're doing and see a doctor immediately. (these come from over here)

so what did i make in the end?

just plain old butter biscuits i'm afraid. sorry to disappoint.

but no worries, i've decided this is what i'm making next year: