cooking with semen.

some time last week i offered to write a hello to emma and sylvie hurford and peatree in semen and then photograph it with a blacklight. and i was really going to do it, really i was. as soon as i found a willing donor. but then when it came down to the technicalities of it i realised it was a logistical nightmare. i mean do you have any idea how much semen you would need to write the word hello? quite a lot actually.

so when genius blogging friend middlegoat sent me this, i realised there is a whole world full of people out there who consider using semen in crazy ways.

phew, nobody likes to be the only freak on the bus.

look at this, some dodgy motherfucker has come up with a book full of semen-based recipes:



this is for reals, and serius. would i lie to you?

apologies if i just put you off creme brulee for like ever. but i'm a victim here too, i also had to witness this.

here are a couple of spreads from the recipe book to horrify you further:



that is the index for the 'sauces' section. transcribed it says, and i quote here for accuracy: 'semen can make any sauce more exciting. The sauces should be of the 'full fat' variety so don't even think about calories when making these sauces.'

trust me dude, if i was INSANE and i made any of these sauces, FULL OF SEMEN - calories would be the absolute last thing i'd be thinking about, you have my word!

i'm not sure what's more horrifying, the fact that there's a 'pungent aioli' sauce made out of semen on page 41, or the fact that there are more than 41 pages worth of semen recipes in this book.

i know chefs always bash on about the importance of fresh ingredients, but this is fricken ridiculous.

so what's next, ah how about a semen smoothie, anyone?

i see they recommend 1-3 tablespoons of fresh semen!

i forsee a couple of problems here:

1. it's semen!

2. 1-3 tablespoons, that seems an awful lot don't you think? i mean can all that come (eish sorry) from just one guy? or would one need to line up a couple?

3. if you summons hubby/boyf/dude into the kitchen in the morning and somehow manage to procure 1-3 tablespoons of fresh semen from him to whip into your breakfast smoothie, you're almost guaranteed of zero action later on that night, aren't you? bit of a toss up (sorry again) for me. Get it all this morning, but not really get much of anything tonight, or make a normal fucking smoothie that isn't completely wierd and creepy this morning, and have fabulous sex tonight, AND not have to swallow!

hey maybe that's how all this craziness came about in the first place, bunch of dudes trying to figure out how to get their chicks to swallow.

DUDE NUMBER ONE: hey dude, i've got an idea.

DUDE NUMBER TWO: yeah?

DUDE NUMBER ONE: let's make recipes out of it, then they've got to swallow.

DUDE NUMBER TWO: yeah!

and finally here's a spread from the desserts section, it's the index:

'a good dessert is the climax of any meal.' - it wasn't me this time, they punned that one all on their own.

oh look, 'Tiramisu Surprise'. Darling, if i've asked you once, i've asked you a million times, please warn me!

i'm pretty sure i speak for everyone right now when i say that nobody enjoys a semen surprise!

look, surprise surprise, they have a website. http://www.cookingwithcum.com/ - like i said, you couldn't make this shit up!